


Precognition

by taeku



Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magical Realism, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, M/M, Mention of sex, X-Men Inspired, mention of one character's death, mention of physical and psychological abuse, please read the additionnal warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23013019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeku/pseuds/taeku
Summary: Kun isn’t sorry for anything anymore.He’s not sorry for himself. He’s not sorry for Johnny. He’s not sorry for anyone. Being sorry doesn’t bring you anything, it doesn’t make you go forward. It blocks you in the past. Blocks you from letting go. And Kun is letting go. He’s letting go because nothing has taste anymore. Nothing has colors and feelings.
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Qian Kun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. #1

**Author's Note:**

> i've been rewritting this story over and over again for so long i can't even remember when i started it  
> this is my baby, my biggest and scariest project ever, and i am very scared to put it out in the world  
> note that i haven't completly finished it, but a good half of it is done. i also do not have an uptade schedule  
> big thank yous and kisses to Val and M. for beta reading this and allowing me to be a little bitch about it. Appreciate the support more than i could say guys !  
> any critics and kudos is appreciated, i really want to do good with this one 
> 
> warnings :  
> content such as panic attacks, blood, murder, torture, implied ed and nightmares are going to be written in this story, so please read carefully
> 
> anyways, enjoy the ride with me pals

_“You can’t leave me!” he says, begging._

_He is on his knees, scratching the ground, breath almost inexistent. His nails are bleeding. He never felt so much pain. Never would have believed this day would actually come. Never would have imagined it could hurt this much._

_“You promised” he says again “You promised!” he yelled._

_There’s a sad smile on the other person’s face. It’s sad, yet tender. In the distance, gunshots can be heard, as well as voices screaming, orders and loud footsteps. The room is dark, so dark and empty, like there’s no walls around them. Yet a small door can be seen, hidden by the body standing in front of him._

_“I can’t live without you, please, please, don’t do this to me!”_

_Only he is able to speak, and he’s not even sure the other can hear him, or understand him or even see him, for that matter. The ground is cold. His body is cold. His heart, as well. Feelings of lost, of incapacity, of desperation, and fear are taking over him. Absolute fear. Fear he never felt before. So much fear he doesn’t know if it’s possible to survive this. It’s a good thing though, because he doesn’t want to survive anymore. He doesn’t want to live in this world alone._

_The taste of his own tears brings him back to reality and he knows. He knows it’s real and happening and inevitable. He screams but it’s as if no sounds are getting out of his mouth. The person standing in front of him smiles again, looks up. They’re looking at something -someone? – before placing their hand on the door wrist._

_Their mouth moves, they’re saying something but it can’t be heard and he screams louder and he wants to know and wants to run to them and hold them and tell them he loves them and will take their place in death, but he can’t move, he can’t breathe, he can’t do anything. The door opens and the person disappears behind it._

_Sudden gunshots are heard and they won’t stop. Even if he’s not there, he can see the body being ripped apart, falling on the ground like a rag doll. There’s blood everywhere. There’s blood coming from under the door, there’s blood on his hands, there’s blood, blood, blood._

_He cries like he never cried before. He punches his chest in hope to make the pain go away, but it doesn’t. It’s still here, real, destructive, overwhelming._

_Someone is dead again._

_And this someone meant the world to him._

___

When he wakes up, Kun is covered in sweat, his breathing swift, short, burning. He had a nightmare again.

Looking at his phone, he sees it’s only a few minutes after 5, but he knows he won’t be able to go back to sleep. Sighing, he gets up and takes a quick shower. He needs to run. He goes out silently, not wanting to wake up Johnny. It’s still dark and cold but he doesn’t care. He runs for an hour, maybe more. He runs around the city, watching how it never really goes to sleep. Watching how people get back home or leave for work, how cars are loud and everywhere. He watches himself in the windows.

Kun hates having nightmares. He hates having to wake up at night and not being able to go back to sleep. He hates being so unable to get rid of them after so many years.

When he comes back to the apartment, Johnny is awake. Dressed in all comfortable, dark clothes, he’s taking his breakfast, muscles visible through the thin fabric of his t-shirt. They make eye contact and Kun moves his head as a brief salute. Johnny stares at him, neutral.

“You had a nightmare again”

His deep voice resonates in the small room and Kun closes his eyes. He can never hide anything from him, even when he tries his best.

“Stop reading my mind”

“I wasn’t reading your mind, but your face. “Nightmare” is written all over it”

Kun pours himself a bowl of cereals before sitting. He looks tired, more than usual, and Johnny doesn’t like it. His nightmares have become worst since the last couple of weeks and he doesn’t know what to do. He tried to talk to him, tried to have him take some medicine but Kun always refused. Said he didn’t want to fall in that type circle. 

“I am listening if you want to talk about it” Johnny says, gently.

Kun nods, says “I know” while playing with his food.

It’s silent for a moment before he decides to speak up. His voice is barely noticeable at first, but it gets higher as he speaks.

“It was about my mother. I saw it again”

Johnny stops eating and stares at him, worry in his eyes. Kun never speaks about his parents, especially not about his mother. Slowly, Johnny stretches his arm and takes Kun’s hand in his.

“It’s coming, isn’t it?”

Feeling tears coming, Kun blinks several times, swallowing them away. He hates crying. He hates talking about his nightmares. He hates talking about his mother. He hates, he hates, he hates. Clearing his throat, he gets up, walking to the bathroom. Talking about his nightmare was a mistake. Talking about his mother was an even bigger one.

“You didn’t eat anything” says Johnny, but Kun ignores him, banging the door behind him.

-

In a bad mood, Kun goes to college, music screaming in his ears. He keeps his hands in his pockets, careful not to touch anyone, looking at the ground, hood over his head. Even though he loves what he studies and finds it interesting, his mood doesn’t seem to light up during the day. It’s drab, glum, slow. Too slow. Even though he’s used to being tired, the only thing he wants right now is to come back home and sleep.

As he’s walking out of his last class of the day, his teacher calls him out.

“Oh, Mr. Qian! Can I talk to you for a second?”

Kun turns to him, surprised. He doesn’t know why his teacher would keep him after class but he stays behind anyways, curious. When everyone is gone and Mr. Layhe is done cleaning his papers, he looks up and smiles. It’s a small but gentle smile, those you give to children. Kun leans his head a bit, wonder in his eyes.

“You must wonder why I asked you to stay, don’t you?”

Kun nods, waiting for his teacher to speak. See, Kun doesn’t like people. Tries his best to stay away from them as much as he can, except for a handful of very carefully selected ones. But somehow, he always liked this teacher. For as long as he remembers, he was always told not to trust anybody, to always be careful around strangers, to always look over his shoulders. But Mr. Layhe is kind. He’s kind even to him, Qian Kun, the outcast. So Kun decided to let go of the chains a little. Just this once.

“Follow me please”

Keeping his hands against his torso, Kun stares at his teacher before following after him. They walk in silence for a moment, only stopping when other students go to Mr. Layhe for advices on papers. When they pass by the administration, Kun starts to wonder.

“Where are we going?” he asks, looking around.

“My office, I have something I want to show you”

Kun is surprised but doesn’t say anything else. Soon, they’re in Mr. Layhes’ office, sitting by the desk. He smiles again and looks for something in his drawers. A minute passes before a happy exclamation. Mr. Layhes’ face is bright, his eyes sparkling. He turns to Kun and hands him a folder called “Advanced researches on humans’ brain and its cognition”.

Taking it in hands, Kun knit his brows before reading the pages.

“I’ve noticed you were particularly interested in human cognition. Your assignments are really good, almost too good for a young student your level” says Mr. Layhe.

Crossing his fingers, he licks his upper lip. “This is a document I give only to my senior year students, but I thought you would appreciate a work like this one” he continues.

Kun nods, looking up at his teacher.

“You want me to do the research?” he asks, not completely sure of his teachers’ intention.

“Yes, but considerate it as training. You won’t be able to do the experiments, of course, and I can’t make it count on your grades, but it will help you in the future, I guarantee you”

Kun thinks for a moment. He would like to do it, even for fun, but he doesn’t know if he will have the time, nor the energy.

“How long do I have to do it?”

“I give you a month, maybe a little more, if that’s really necessary” smiles Mr. Layhe “you don’t need to finish it completely. As I said, it’s only training”

Kun blinks. A month is a short time to do such work, especially when other teachers seem to like giving students a stupid amount of work to do. But he likes the subject, wants to see what he’ll learn from it.

“Thank you, Mr. Layhe. I won’t disappoint”

They smile at each other before Kun leaves the office and walks to the bus station. Looking at his phone, he notices three missed calls from Johnny. A sudden cold feeling in his chest, he calls him back. As it’s ringing, he sees his friend walking towards him. His eyes are narrowed and Kun knows by his body language that Johnny is pissed.

“Did something happen?” Kun asks, worry in his voice.

Johnny ignores him. Says “Where were you?” and “We were supposed to meet at the bus station over half an hour ago”

Confused, blinking, Kun takes a couples of second to think. Then it hits him. Sighing, he shakes his head. Of course, Johnny would worry. He always does.

“One of my teachers wanted to talk to me”

Johnny’s shoulders relax a bit but his face is still cold. Kun doesn’t really blame him, but he’s annoyed. Annoyed because, once again, Johnny didn’t trust him. Annoyed because he can’t do anything without people becoming crazy and starting wars when they don’t know where he is.

He feels like Rapunzel. Trapped in a tower with a crazy god-mother looking after him. Ignoring the frown on Johnny’s face, he starts walking towards the bus station. He wants to go home, eat something and sleep.

Waiting for their bus to arrive, Kun notices a man, sitting near them. Usually, Kun doesn’t bother with people, but this man hasn’t stopped staring at him since they sat down. Kun can take a lot of things, he really can, but what he hates the most is people staring at him shamelessly.

Clearing his throat, he finally gets in the bus, walking right to the back, Johnny lazily following behind. After a couple of minutes, Kun looks around. Not far from them, still staring at him, is the same man from before. Uncomfortable, Kun turns to Johnny and discretely points at the man.

“What?” Johnny asks “What is it?”

“There’s a man staring at me” Kun whispers.

When he looks up again, trying to show Johnny better, he freezes.

“Kun, what are you talking about?”

The man isn’t here anymore. Blinking, Kun stops breathing for a second. Did he imagine all of this? Was the man even real? Shaking his head, he starts scanning the bus. He was sure. Someone was looking at him. Someone was here. He didn’t imagine it.

The bus marks a stop. Turning his face to look outside, Kun catches a sight of the man. He’s walking backward, _still_ staring at him with empty eyes. Kun stops moving for a second, concentrating on blocking his mind to any kind of intrusion.

“Why are you blocking your mind?” whispers Johnny, frowning his eyebrows.

He turns his eyes, looking where Kun is looking, but he only sees a man walking away, protecting himself from the wind. They look at each other, unsure. _There was a man staring at me._ It’s not often that they talk in their minds. It’s not often that Johnny gets to hear Kun’s thoughts. So he blinks in surprise before answering. _No one was staring at you Kun._

Frustrated, for some reasons, Kun firmly shakes his head. _I’m telling you, someone was looking at me!_ Closing his eyes at the sudden burst of thoughts and yelling, Johnny takes a couples of seconds to compose himself again. _Are you sure?_ Kun doesn’t need to answer that question. Taking his hand in his own, Johnny gets up. Walking to the front of the vehicle, he smiles at the driver.

“Sorry sir, could you open the doors again please? We forgot to get down”

Ten minutes later, they’re in another bus, going the opposite way of their apartment. Kun looks out the window in case he sees the man again, but there’s no sign of him yet. He knows where Johnny is taking him and he’s too tired for that. But clearly, he doesn’t have any other choice.

Getting out of the bus, they walk fast to an old building, at the corner of the street. Bronze plates are hooked near the door, doctors and nurses’ names written on them. Entering the place, they salute the receptionist and go directly to the elevator. Pressing the 9th floor’s button, Johnny takes out a badge from inside his bag. After 5 seconds, a robotic voice starts speaking.

**“You pressed the 9 th floor. Please present your I.D”**

Johnny presses his badge against a small locker, allowing the machine to scan it before the elevator finally moves. But instead of going up, they go down. For the two minutes it takes to get to the destination, none of them talk. There’s nothing to say anyways.

When the doors open, the corridor they enter is dark for a second before the ceiling lamps turn on. It’s long and kind of unwelcoming, but they’re both used to it. They walk fast, not stopping before turning left. The more they walk, the more corridors and closed doors appear. Kun knows this place like the back of his hands, so much that he could perfectly find his way back to the surface in the dark.

“Do we really need to do that?” he asks Johnny, boredom in his voice.

“We can’t take any risks”

Sighing, Kun doesn’t say anything. Johnny won’t listen to him anyway. A minute later, they stop in front of a door. When they knock, a feminine voice tells them to come in. The room is vast, colorful, almost cozy. In the middle, sitting behind a desk, a middle-aged woman smiles at them. Her long black hair is loose on her shoulders and she’s wearing a simple shirt. As usual, Hyolyn is beautiful.

“Hello boys. I was expecting you” she says, presenting the seats before the desk.

“Were you?” asks Kun, making himself at home.

“Jeno felt your presence” she smiles.

Kun smiles. Of course Jeno would feel and tell.

“Do you want something to drink, perhaps?”

Johnny glances at Kun before clearing his throat. Kun isn’t ready for this, doesn’t want to go to the whole process of speaking again. But Johnny, being who he is, won’t let him be at peace. Not once.

“Actually, we… Kun has something to say to you. It seems… important”

Hyolyn turns her attention to him, eyes inviting him to speak more. Kun, suddenly, isn’t so sure of himself anymore. Should he talk about what he saw? Should he take the risk to worry her more than she probably already is? What if it was nothing? What if… _But what if it was something?_ Kun blenches at Johnny’s voice inside his head.

“Stop reading my mind” he says at loud, annoyed.

Rolling his eyes, Johnny looks at the ground. Hyolyn laughs softly, crossing her arms on her desk.

“Come on boys, no mind talking when I am around. You know the rules”

They mumble apologies without really meaning them and the room gets silent after that. Kun is still thinking. Now that he thinks about it, what happened in the bus seems odd, almost like a blurry dream. Maybe Johnny is right. Maybe there wasn’t anything to see. Maybe he did actually imagine it. It wouldn’t be the first time.

“Kun” Hyolyn finally says “What did you want to talk about?”

Kun didn’t want to talk about anything to begin with. He didn’t even plan on coming in here in the first place. The only reason they’re here is because Johnny, as usual, got extra worried and decided, on his own, to come here and start another drama. Kun doesn’t want to be another burden on Hyolyn’s shoulders. Doesn’t want to be, yet again, the biggest burden on Johnny’s shoulders.

“I don’t think there’s really something to talk about” he says “Johnny is just overreacting again”

“I am not!” Johnny defends himself “You told me you saw a man starring at you and, sorry no sorry to say, but you looked pretty overwhelmed by it”

Tapping his tongue against his palate in annoyance, Kun glances at his friend. He hates when he’s being like this. He hates when they make things bigger than they are in reality.

“I was uncomfortable, that’s all”

“You don’t block your mind when you’re “just” uncomfortable”

Sensing the tension rising, Hyolyn catches their attention. Licking her lips together, she sighs silently.

“Johnny” she says, “Maybe you should go and let Kun speak. He might be more comfortable talking in private”

The two boys look at each other before Johnny gets up. He doesn’t look at Kun before getting out of the room, banging the door behind him. Silence takes place and neither Kun nor Hyolyn seem to want to break it. They’re just glancing at each other. After a minute, seeing that Kun won’t be the one breaking the ice, Hyolyn smiles at him.

“Have you been alright lately Kun? You look more tired than usual”

Her voice is tender, light. He knows she only means well, but he despises it when people come and tell him things like this. Yes, he knows, he looks tired, more tired than the last time they saw him. He always seems more tired than the last time and so on. He doesn’t need a reminder because the pain in his eyes and skull is enough of a constant recall.

He doesn’t want to get mad at Hyolyn though. He doesn’t want to fight her. He doesn’t have this kind of energy right now. So he decides to tell the truth.

“My nightmares are back”

“How bad are they? On a scale of 1 to 10”

Kun thinks for a second. He had worst nightmares when he was younger but the ones he’s been having lately are bad. Worse than he’s willing to admit. Even to himself. He sighs before scratching his neck.

“They’re… 7”

Hyolyn pinches her lips. She doesn’t like the idea of him suffering every night, but she also knows he doesn’t like to speak about it. He told her that enough time in the past. So she simply nods before getting up to fill a glass of water she hands him. Sitting on her desk, she looks at him with a slight smile.

“So, about what happened” she starts “Do you want to talk about it?”

Kun drinks his water slowly, not sure of how to express himself. What if she thinks he’s having hallucinations again? What if she tells him to stay a couple of days here, in one of the rooms, to see how it goes? He sighs. Even if she doesn’t believe him in the end, he has to tell her. It could be something more than just himself.

“As Johnny said before, I saw a man staring at me for a while”

His voice his just a whisper, but she heard him well. She always hears him. She doesn’t question him about the veracity of the thing. Instead, she sits in the chair next to him.

“What did he look like?”

“He was tall and tan, if I remember correctly. I think he had a scar under one of his eyes” he says “His eyes were really cold, almost… dead”

Before she can say anything, someone knocks at the door.

“Hyolyn, we have a problem. Someone…”

A little man entered the room, looking tensed. He stops himself when he sees Kun, not sure if he’s allowed to talk more in his presence. Pressing his lips together, he looks at Hyolyn, shoulders straight.

“I am sorry for interrupting, but it’s important”

Hyolyn nods before looking at Kun.

“Let’s talk about it another time”

Her voice his still tender, but something changed in her eyes. Kun gets up silently before leaving the room.

“Hi Taeyong” he says, passing by the smaller man.

The latter nods before closing the door. Sighing, Kun walks toward another door, a couple of meters away. He enters a very bright room with paintings on the walls. Some kids are playing together on the left and some others are training behind a large glass window, on the right.

Crossing the glass, he can hear the screams and orders giving by Irene. Looking at her, Kun notices how she doesn’t put a lot of pressure on her right leg, how she touches it for time to time. Narrowing his eyes, he feels a bit of pity for her. Losing her leg took something from her no one will ever understand. Getting closer, Kun feels a trail of cold passing near his head. Turning around, he sees a little girl running towards him, panic all over her face.

“Are you alright? I am so so so so sorry! I didn’t see you” she says, or screams really.

Careful not to touch her bare skin, he smiles and gets on his knees.

“I am fine. But be more careful with your target next time, ok?”

Smiling shyly, she returns to her friends. Kun gets up and smiles at Irene, who’s coming his way. Her smirk tells him that him getting almost shot and frozen amused her.

“Don’t you know this is a war zone?” she says, gently slapping his shoulder.

Her long hair fly around her head when she turns around and blocks another frozen trail with a force field. She then surrounds them with it, as protection.

“It’s better if we don’t die during training. Those little monsters would destroy the agency trying to ask for help”

They laugh and Irene gets back to teaching. Since Kun doesn’t have anything better to do, he stays with her and watches the kids train for an hour or two. After that, tired and wanting to go home for good, he walks toward the training room number 3, trying to find Johnny. From all the rooms here, this practice room is like Johnny’s safe place. If he’s somewhere, it would be here. As he’s opening the door, a voice resonates on his left.

“He’s not here”

Kun blenches at the voice, heart racing. Turning away from the door, he clicks his tongue.

“For the thousandth time Jeno, don’t scare me like that!”

The young boy laughs, not looking sorry at all. Jeno is one of the only few people Kun is comfortable with. One of the few people that don’t get tired of him, that don’t get frustrated by his passive attitude and his lack of physical contact. He’s one of the few unlucky, as Kun likes to say.

“What do you mean by ‘he’s not here’?” he asks.

“Johnny. He went on a mission” says the young boy, playing with a Lego he has in hands.

“A mission? He didn’t have any mission planed… And how did you know I was looking for him anyway?”

Jeno looks up and stares blankly at him.

“Your color”

Kun nods in understanding. Jeno’s ability of seeing colors surrounding people is very useful on missions, but not really when it comes to real life and keeping secrets.

“Plus, you’re always around him, following him like a little doggy”

Kun opens his mouth. Ouch. That was rude. But Jeno isn’t nice with words. When he has something to say, he says it, and doesn’t care if it hurts or not. The positive part of it is that at least, you know he will never tell lies. Sighing, Kun says his goodbye and walks out of the building. Guess he will have to come home alone in the end.

It’s dark outside and it’s colder than ever. Walking fast, Kun goes to the bus station. During all his way back to the apartment, he looks behind him, making sure no one is following him.

After a long and hot shower, he eats left over pizza before putting on his pj’s. He’s so tired he doesn’t doubt about sleeping right after his head hits the pillows. When closing the curtains, something gets his attention. Outside, standing in the middle of the road, someone is looking right at him.

_

_“Mom! Look”_

_A little boy is running in a field, a big smile on his face. The sun reflects in his eyes and flowers are dancing around him. A woman is standing not far away from him, smiling back. The wind caresses her face and her hair masks her eyes for a quick moment. The little boy plays around, collecting flowers. When his hands are full of them, his smile grows bigger and he turns around, running to his mom. He calls her again, but she’s not smiling anymore. In fact, she’s crying._

_“Don’t worry baby”_

_Her voice is pain in the little boys’ ears. He stops running, worried and scared. When he turns back to run away, the scenery is different. He’s in a cold room, tie down on a bed, his mother looking down at him._

_“Don’t worry baby” she says again “it’s for your own good”_

Kun wakes up at the little boys’ screams. His head hurts and he has tears falling down his cheeks. Sitting up straight on the chair he’s on, he looks around. The coffee shop is silent, except from the radio playing in the background. Sighing, he takes a sip of the now cold coffee he ordered, trying to take deep breathes. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is out and bright and the wind is nice. Not at all in harmony with his mood. Annoyed, he slaps himself for sleeping while on a mission, but he had so little sleep these past few days that he can’t stay awake all day long anymore.

 _They’re here_. Johnny’s voice resonates in Kun’s head like his own. His heart is beating fast but his breathing is surprisingly calm. He looks up discreetly, watching as two young children pass before him. They’re laughing and holding hands and Kun suddenly feels really old. And sad. But there’s no time for this. He needs to focus, not think about the past.

He takes a deep breath, freeing his mind of any thoughts. These two kids need to be drive to safety. He’s here for this, and nothing else. So he gets up, leaves the coffee shop and follows the kids. _I am in position_. Kun keeps his eyes locked to them, watching every one of their movements. One of the children, stops to tie her shoe. Her friend, a boy, watches her with a small smile. It’s the perfect moment _. I am going in_.

But as he says it, Kun sees a car arriving their way. It slows down and in a matter of seconds, two men get out and take the children in their arms. Kun’s body gets cold and he freezes. What the hell is happening? _CODE RED_. He screamed in his head but he must have said it out loud too because the men turn to him right after. 

A gun appears in one of the men’s hand and Kun has just enough time to get on the ground before the gunshot. His heart misses a beat before he realizes. _They have guns! Johnny, why the hell do they have guns?_! The children are screaming and struggling to escape. Kun immediately gets up and runs to them. They will not have them. Not on his watch. Not ever.

He runs fast and falls on the ground again at a second gunshot. This one was close to his ears. He scratched his arm in the movement and it burns but he gets up and runs again. He pounces on one of the men, bringing him to the ground, imagines flying before his eyes. He punches the man and successes in freeing the little girl from him.

“Run!” he screams at her, pushing her away.

He suddenly feels dragged on the ground as fists are thrown at him. He protects his head the best he can but his opponent is way stronger than him. Quickly, he feels dizzy and starts seeing stars. It’s bad, he thinks. Bad, bad, bad. But he can’t give up yet. He has to get up and save those children. There’s no other way around. He groans and head-butt the man above him. It’s just enough to stumble away.

With the corner of his eyes, he sees that the little girl is still here, petrified, looking at him and her friend back and forth. Now that he has a clear view of the scene, he sees that the man holding the little boy still has his gun out and has the perfect opportunity to shot him now that he’s standing up. _Johnny, where the hell are you_?! Kun whispers before his head explodes in pain.

It’s like the world is stopping and he cups his head with his hands and he screams and falls on his knees. All he can see when he looks up is the little girl. Standing up. Screaming. And then Kun understands. He understands that she’s the one doing this. Kun never thought a little girl like that would have enough power in her to knock out three adults at once.

He tries to get up but the pain is too much. He feels like losing his mind and he thinks his ears are bleeding and his eyes are getting out of their orbits. And then the pain suddenly stops. He doesn’t hear anything but tinnitus after that. He falls on the ground when he tries to get up, hitting his head on the ground.

And he sees it. He sees all of it.

The little girl is laying on the ground, her eyes open, blood getting out of her stomach. She got shot. And she’s looking right into his eyes. Kun stares at her for what seems an eternity before he screams. Pain and anger and bitterness are rumbling inside of him and he can’t think about anything and it feels too real, too much like home.

He’s not on the street anymore, he’s not trying to save the kids, there’s no men shooting him. He’s back in a cold room, a little girl staring at him with fear in her eyes. Her black hair all messed up, two of her teeth are missing. She’s touching her stomach, her fingers full of blood. She tries to speak but can’t and there’s blood coming out of her mouth, suddenly. She falls on the ground, her dead eyes crying their last tears.

And she won’t stop staring at him.

Reassembling what is left of his strength, Kun gets up and runs to the first man standing in his way. And he punches him, again and again and again. He doesn’t stop and he can’t think straight and he can’t see anything apart from the blood getting out of the mans’ face, the blood getting out of the girl’s stomach. And after this, he only sees darkness and there’s no sound around him anymore. He’s floating.

He breaks a nose, breaks a jaw, breaks a neck. But even if the body underneath him is dead, he keeps punching and punching and punching until there’s nothing left to punch, until the only thing he can feel are arms around his body, and a burning sensation in his neck.

-  
  


  
When Kun wakes up, everything is silent. It’s cold and too bright for his eyes. He blinks several times before he can adjust to the light. The ceiling above him is white. He shivers, tries to get up, but the pain in his head is stopping him from moving too much. His head spins for a moment before he can open his eyes again.

Looking around him, he tries to raise his arms but fails. There’re handcuffs around his wrists and they’re hurting him but he doesn’t care. The feeling of being tied up and kept captive makes him want to vomit and he struggles getting free. He can’t be here, he thinks. He can’t be in a place like this. Not again.

His heart starts beating faster, sweat appears on his forehead and he has difficulties to breath. He knows where he is and he can’t accept it. He groans and pulls harder before he hears footsteps. He raises his head, ready to fight even though fear is almost too much to bear but he stops himself when he sees a familiar face coming his way.

“You’re ok Kun, you’re ok. You have nothing to worry about” Hyuna says in a sweet voice, touching his shoulder.

His entire body relaxes at the contact. His head stops spinning. He’s at the agency. He’s home. He’s ok.

He closes his eyes and takes deep breathes. For a moment, he thought they took him away. The others. He thought he was a prisoner. He thought he was dying. Tears are falling from his eyes but he can’t wipe them away because he’s tied up to his bed. So he just looks up at Hyuna, a new determination in his eyes.

“Uncuff me Hyuna” he says, sniffing.

The girl takes a step back, unsure. She plays with her fingers before turning her head to the door.

“Hyuna” he says again “Let me go. Now”

“I can’t” she answers “I got the order to only heal you. Nothing else”

Kun blinks several times. He doesn’t understand why he’s here, why he’s being kept in bed, why he’s handcuffed. He just wants to know what happened to the kids. What happened to the men? Was the mission successful? Did he fail? He needs answers but he can’t have them here. Before he can say anything else, Hyolyn enters the room, soon joined but Jeno and Johnny. All of their faces are blank, expressionless. He notices that Johnny has a black eye and his lips are cut. Something bad happened. He feels it. They failed.

“How do you feel?” asks Hyolyn once she’s near him.

Her voice is neutral, but he can feel the anger in it. She doesn’t touch him and that’s strange because she always touching him when he’s injured. She always touches him like a mother would touch her wounded kid. He frowns before looking at Johnny. He’s standing behind Hyolyn, staring at the ground, not saying anything.

“I am fine” he says, swallowing his saliva. His tongue is pasty “What happened? Why am I handcuffed?”

It’s silent for a moment before Hyolyn sighs. She looks tired. And sad.

“You had an episode”

Her voice is just a whisper but her words went directly into his ears. He can’t believe it. He closes his eyes, biting the inside of his cheeks. No, no, no, not again. He has difficulties to breathe again and his voice his shaking and desperate when he speaks. 

“Did… Did I kill someone?”

“Yes”

Johnny spoke this time. And he couldn’t control his shaky voice either. Kun can’t open his eyes. He can’t face them right now. They all hate him and he can’t blame them because he hates himself too. He hates himself more than they ever could.

“I am sorry” he whispers “I am sorry”

It’s silent again before Hyolyn touches his hand. It’s gentle.

“We’ll talk about it later. For now, we need to speak to the kid”

“The kid?” asks Kun, opening his eyes.

The kids are alive? They succeeded?

“Yes. You couldn’t save the girl, but the little boy is alive”

At those words, Kun stops breathing. The little girl died. She was bleeding from her stomach. The memory makes him sick again but he swallows it away. He can’t be unwell right now. When they leave the room a couple of minutes later, Kun is left alone, with no one to talk to. He’s still handcuffed even though he’s not a danger to anyone anymore and he feels dirty, wants to punish himself, die. He waits for what seems a long time before Jeno comes back and uncuffs him. Surprised, Kun looks at him.

“The boy won’t talk unless you’re here” he says in his nonchalant voice.

Wondering but not waiting any longer, Kun gets up and follows the young man to one of the interrogation room. In the middle of the room, sitting at a table, Hyolyn faces the little boy. Looking at him, Kun frowns. He looks so tiny in this room.

“Hi there” he says, kneeling in front of the boy, a gentle smile on his face “I am Kun. What’s your name?”

His voice is still raw and shaking, but it’s clear enough for anyone to hear. The kid doesn’t answer, playing with his fingers, his eyes trembling.

“Don’t be afraid, I’m not here to hurt you” Kun continues “I promise”

“Chenle” answers the little boy after a bit.

“How do you feel Chenle? Are you hungry? Cold?”

The boy nods at the questions. His entire little body is shaking and it makes Kun mad. He looks up at Hyolyn, anger in his eyes. How can she treat him like he’s a prisoner? Shaking his head, he brushes the little boy’s hair, ignoring the images.

“He won’t talk in here, not in those conditions” he says, is voice neutral “I am taking him to one of the playrooms”

Not waiting for an answer or approval, he takes Chenle’s hand and brings him in a playroom, a couple of doors away. Once they’re sitting on the ground, Chenle seems a little better, a little more at ease. Kun hands him a little lion to play with.

“Are you scared?” Kun asks.

“I was, but not anymore” Chenle says, playing with the toy.

“Why?”

“Because you’re here now”

Kun stays silent for a moment, not knowing what to say. He’s even a little uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because no one ever told him they felt safe with him. No one ever felt that way towards him.

“Do you feel safe with me?”

Chenle nods, looking up at him.

“You helped Jennie by punching the mean man, so I trust you. And you promised not to hurt me. But I don’t trust the other adults. They were mean to me”

Kun nods. He understands the feeling more than he wants to admit. Looking closer at him, he’s surprised that the death of his friend doesn’t seem to affect him that much. Maybe the shock of it didn’t hit him yet. Maybe he will realize later, like Kun did when he was his age. Shaking his head at the memories, he starts to play with a toy too.

“The men who took you earlier, did you know them?” he asks, after some time.

Chenle stops playing, sadness appearing in his eyes. He shakes his head. He doesn’t know anything about the men, nor why they wanted to take them away. They were just ordinary kids after all. Kun keeps on asking him questions, trying to understand why those two kids were chosen, but deep down, he knew the answer. He knew the moment he saw the car, the small logo on the side, that they wanted them because of what they could do, just like Kun and the rest of the agency. If the two men were part of NARSA, which he’s sure of, then they were in more trouble than he thought.

“What is NARSA?” asks Chenle.

Kun looks up, surprised. He must have spoken at loud without realizing it.

“NARSA means National Advance Researches on special Abilities” Kun says, his voice getting lower “It’s a laboratory, and the two men we met today probably are from there”

He stops for a second, memories making their way to the surface. He wipes them away.

“They’re very bad people, and you must never trust nor follow them”

“Why?”

“They do bad things to people like you and me”

“Did they do something bad to you? Is that why you were so angry?”

Kun doesn’t know what to answer to that. And even though he would have known, he wouldn’t have been capable of speaking. An hour later, Hyolyn comes in. She looks at the two boys sitting on the ground and smiles at Chenle when he looks at her, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“Time’s up”

Sighing, Kun gets up, soon followed by Chenle. They get out of the room hand in hand. Taeyong is waiting in the corridor, back against the wall. When he sees them, he stands up and walks to them.

“Take the boy to chamber 34” Hyolyn says.

Taeyong nods before taking the little boys’ hand like he was nothing but dirt. Chenle screams and drags Kun with him, not letting go of his hand. Quickly, the young man stops Taeyong and looks up at Hyolyn. She doesn’t even look bothered nor concerned by the way the kid is treated. Kun is hit by realization, then. Realization that she really doesn’t care about the way they treat outside children anymore. How can she be so calm and emotionless in a situation like this? When did she become this?

“He’s not your fucking prisoner Hyolyn”

She opens her mouth, surprised. She clearly didn’t expect this.

“What did you say?” she asks, blinking.

“You heard me well, don’t play ignorant”

Taeyong groans. Of course he does. Dogs always groans when their master is being attacked. Hyolyn’s face gets paler, and her fists tighten. She’s angry now, but Kun couldn’t care less because he’s angrier than her. He knows that chamber 34 is a sad little room they use when they’re not sure about someone’s intention. It’s a cage. And they can’t put an innocent little child in there. He can’t support that.

“You perfectly know what those kinds of conditions will do to him, so let him be a fucking kid and let him play with people his age”

The silence that follows means a lot. But Kun won’t back off. He has to protect Chenle from this. Even from Hyolyn, if he needs to. This kid is a victim, not a threat. And Hyolyn seems to have forgotten that. She stares at him for a long time before sighing. She presses a finger between her eyes, shaking her head.

“Taeyong, get him in the kids’ dormitory”

Kun relaxes and looks down at Chenle. He smiles at him before kneeling.

“You need to follow Taeyong now. Don’t worry, he will keep you safe”

Chenle shakes his head, not letting go of his hand.

“I am scared” he cries, burying his head in Kun’s neck.

“I know, but you have to trust me, alright? Nothing will happen to you”

After a moment, Chenle finally accepts to follow Taeyong but keeps on looking back at Kun until he disappears behind a corner.

“Follow me” Hyolyn speaks before turning around.

Walking behind her, Kun loses himself in his memories. Seeing Chenle like this reminded him of himself, before. He tries his best to forget the past and put it behind him, but sometimes he can’t, it’s too strong.

Entering Hyolyn’s office, Kun looks up. Johnny and Jeno are sitting on the chairs near the desk. Irene is up, looking at some books. Another woman is here too, Amber, if he remembers well. They all look up at them, except for Johnny, who’s stubbornly starring at the ground. Kun’s heart breaks a little, but he tries to hide it. There’s no time for this.

When Taeyong finally arrives, the meeting starts. The report on the mission comes first. 

“They never used gun before. At least not that openly. So why now?” asks Irene, confused.

“They probably changed their policy” Amber says.

Heavy silence falls on them. If they actually changed their policy, that would be dangerous. Very dangerous. Because what happened today was just the beginning of something worst. Something they’re all scared of.

“They’re on the move again” whispers Jeno, his nonchalant attitude replaced by a worried one.

Kun, who stayed silent until now, can’t hold back anymore.

“We need guns too then”

His voice resonates in the room.

“No, and this is not up to debate” Hyolyn says, firmly.

She banned guns a long time ago, when things went ugly and the use of guns almost exposed them to the world. But how are they suppose the fight against guns with just bare hands? Not all of them have abilities that protect them from this kind of attack. Not all of them have useful abilities for fights and self-defense. They need new defenses but no one wants to accept it. Nor admit it.

“We can’t defend ourselves without them anymore! Look at what happened today! A child is dead for Gods’ sake! They have guns and they use them and we die for nothing!”

Irene looks at him like he’s someone different and he hates it but he can’t stay here and watch people die without at least try something. He doesn’t like guns, they scare him, but he will use them if it means protecting himself and saving the lives of people he cares about.

“We don’t die for nothing” Amber says “We die for something bigger than us, and you need to realize that”

Kun can’t stop the laugh that gets out of his mouth, then. Dying for something bigger seems so puerile. So futile.

“All I realize is that none of you care that a little girl died today. All I realize is that you’re treating a little boy like a dangerous criminal, but what did he do? What did he do other than watch his friend die in front of him and be attacked by two fully grown and armed men?”

The more he speaks, the more his voice gets high. He hates this situation, he hates feeling useless, he hates not being able to do something about anything.

“We care” says Hyolyn, looking into his eyes “we care even if you don’t see it”

But Kun knows she’s lying.

-  
  


Getting in their apartment, Johnny and Kun don’t talk. Kun is dying to say something, he’s dying for Johnny to look at him and speak to him and tell him that everything will be alright, that he’s not angry at him anymore. But he won’t. He will stay silent and Kun will have to deal with it. They enter the kitchen. Johnny pours himself a glass of water he drinks in one sip.

They face each other, not moving, not speaking. Kun is so tired. He’s so tired and he wants to cry but he can’t do it right now. He can’t be a mess when situations like this happen. He can’t be a whining mess at all. At least not in front of Johnny. He swallows his saliva, blinks, takes a step forward. Johnny narrows his eyes, not breaking eye contact. Slowly, Kun walks to him, hands and legs shaking. When he reaches him, when he can almost touch him, he stops. He stops and open his mouth like he’ll talk but no sounds get out of his mouth. He looks down, blinks, looks at Johnny again.

“I am sorry”

The whisper fills the silent room like a hurricane. Nothing is heard but their breathes.

“I didn’t mean to” Kun speaks again.

He cups Johnny’s face in his hand and gets closer. He’s shaking and can’t control it and doesn’t really care about it. All that matters is Johnny and if yes or no he will forgive him for what he did, for what he said.

“I know I promised to try and never let something like that happen again, but you know I can’t always control what I do”

His voice breaks at the end, but he doesn’t care. He needs Johnny to understand that what happened, this episode, wasn’t him. He’s not a killer. He’s not a bad person. Right now, he hates himself but he can’t change the past and he has to live with his actions and move on and learn from it.

Johnny looks away, eyes closed. Kun can’t bear with him being mad, can’t have him away, can’t have him hate him for something he can’t control. It’s not the first time Johnny acts like this. Everytime Kun has an episode, every time he loses control, he can’t stand it and stops talking to him. But what he doesn’t understand is that Kun needs him in those kinds of moments. He needs someone to understand him and love him, no matter what.

He wraps his arms around his shoulders and hugs him tight. He presses his body against Johnny’s and waits for his friend to hug him back. And he does, after a moment. He takes him in his arms and breathe in his neck and doesn’t let go and tears are falling on his neck. They stay like this for a long time, appreciating the others’ warm and touch.

Kun relaxes. It’s fine. Things are going to be fine. This is all he needed. Johnny is all he needed.


	2. #2

Since what happened, Kun keeps himself locked up. It’s been two weeks and the only moments he leaves the apartment are for college hours. Nothing else. He thinks, most of the time. Stares at the ceiling, all day and all night long. Thinking, and thinking, and thinking about what he did, what he didn’t do, what he could have done differently. And he feels so much and so little at the same time. Feels like there’s dirt all over his body, his clothes, his soul. Yet he also feels nothing. Like he’s floating, watching as the world keeps going without him.

His lack of sleep left him time to catch up and focus on work he missed for his classes. Because he needs to busy his mind with easy tasks, controlled tasks and not some visions of kids dying. It feels weird, doing homework, following a mass of people into class. It feels weird to be normal on the outside when your insides are full of unspeakable things. Kun needs that.

Things with Johnny are still strange. They don’t talk that much, don’t see each other that much either. But at night, when Kun can’t sleep, he goes to Johnny’s room. If he’s there, they cuddle until either Kun falls asleep or Johnny has to go to the agency. When Johnny is not here, Kun likes to sleep in his bed. Smelling the parfum left on the sheets makes him relax, allows him to sleep better.

But he can’t always be in Johnny’s personal space, so for the last couple of days, he tried to let him breathe, tried distancing himself.

He could bear with not talking to him. He could survive not seeing him. But what he had difficulties with was Johnny having bad feelings about him, hating him. It was easier to be neutral than enemies.

One morning, as they were taking breakfast, Johnny looked at Kun with this so familiar worry in his eyes.

“You’ve lost weight” he stated.

Kun didn’t say anything but he knew. He had noticed it the morning before, while dressing up. Saw the way his ribs were coming out, so _visible_. Almost breakable.

And the next days, the odd feeling of being followed got him again. He tried to ignore it but it was more and more difficult. Oppressing. At some point, he even believed he saw someone at his window again, but he put that on his lack of sleep. Why would someone stalk him anyway?

He didn’t talk about it to Johnny, because he knew damn well how he would react.

But Kun couldn’t really think about anything like that too much because Mr. Layhe kept on asking him about the extra work. He insisted many times on seeing him in his office to talk about it, maybe even help him. Kun always refused.

On this Thursday, at the end of the day, three weeks later, he finally decides to go to his teachers’ office. He was done with his work, for the most part, and wanted to put that aside so he could gain some needed sleep time. At the reception, he asks if Mr. Layhe was there and when the woman tells him yes, he doesn’t wait. He’s so tired he could just sleep on the floor right now but he has to hand his work first. Then, and only then, he will go home and nap for an entire month.

Walking to the office, he feels his phone vibrates. Looking at the screen, he notices Hyolyn’s name.

He ignores it.

During those three weeks, Hyolyn tried to call him a thousand times. She left him messages, telling him that Chenle was missing him, that he wanted to see him. His heart broke when he read it, but he was suspecting Hyolyn to use the kid against him. Weirdly, Kun missed Chenle. He was worried about him but he couldn’t face him yet. He just prayed he had fun with the other kids and wasn’t treated badly.

What surprised him too was that Jeno went to see him. Jeno, who hates going out the agency and face the world, went to see him. He knocked at their apartment’s door one night, with popcorn and films in his hands. They didn’t talk much, but just having his presence near him was enough.

Coming back to reality, Kun knocks at his teacher’s door. His phone vibrates again. Sighing, he barely looks at the screen, betting for Hyolyn to call again. But it’s not. It’s Johnny. After a second of hesitation, he’s ready to answer but Mr. Layhe opens the door. His smile is almost too big, his eyes way too bright for a simple meeting with a student but Kun doesn’t really pay attention. His teacher always looks happy, so a bit or a less isn’t really the kind of thing Kun cares about. While sitting, he hears the door being locked but he’s too tired to worry about it.

If he had more hours of sleep though, he would have known something was wrong. Who locks the door when talking to a student?

Taking place behind his desk, Mr. Layhe crosses his fingers before him.

“So, Mr. Qian, how was the extra work I gave you?” he asks.

Kun looks at him with interrogation in his eyes. He couldn’t help himself but think that something was not as it should be. Something about Mr. Layhe’s attitude seemed… off. Shaking his head, Kun looks for the papers before handing it. He can’t think like that. He’s so exhausted he begins to be paranoid over nothing.

“I really liked it. It was hard, but it really taught me a lot”

Mr. Layhe nods before rapidly reading the papers. He nods again before looking up at him.

“It seems good, I’ll look forward to it” his smile gets a little colder when he speaks again “but I see you didn’t do the last part. Why?”

Kun blinks several times. Why didn’t he do it? Maybe because it was too close to home and he didn’t want to get involve in a work like that.

“It didn’t really make sense to me” he lies, crossing his legs “The opinion that the human brain is capable of doing some kind of special things is just absurd to me”

Mr. Layhe stares at him for a moment, his smile slowly fading away.

“Is that so?” he asks, sitting more comfortably in his chair “You don’t think the next step in human evolution is the brain changing? Developing other abilities?”

Uncomfortable, Kun scratches his neck. He doesn’t like the way this conversation is going.

“Other abilities? You mean like… super powers?”

“It could be a possibility indeed. We must stay open-minded”

Kun tries to mask his discomfort by laughing it out.

“I don’t believe in such things sir, I am sorry”

“Oh, I don’t either, I am just saying that we can’t close our eyes on something even when we don’t like it”

They smile at each other before the teacher gets up and walks away. Kun sighs silently, happy that the conversation is over. A little more and he could have said something bad, something that would compromise him, and by extension, the agency.

“Do you want some coffee?”

Kun hears Mr. Lahey trafficking the coffee machine for a moment. He appreciates what his teacher is doing but now that he handed his work, he really wants to sleep. They can talk about it later, he decides. So he turns around, ready to tell his teacher he’s leaving, when he stops himself. There’s a needle in Mr. Layhes’ hand.

How did a needle appear in Mr. Lahey’s hands?

“What the…”

He doesn’t have time to finish his sentence before Mr. Layhe presses the needle in his neck. Kun feels a burning sensation and tries to get away by punching the man, but he suddenly feels dizzy. His head spines a little and his eyes are slowly but surely closing. He tries to get up but his legs are too weak to support him, so he falls on the ground. He brings the chair he was sitting in with him. There’s a loud sound when it falls.

Kun crawls to the door, trying to call someone for help, but it’s like he can’t speak. He feels his ankle being grabbed, turning him around. Mr. Layhe is looking down at him, a cold smirk on his face.

“Not believing in abilities” he says, laughing “you’re such a bad liar Kun. Don’t forget who you are”

Kneeling down, Mr. Layhe looks almost nostalgic.

“Jisoo will be so happy to see you again, you have no idea” he continues “she won’t believe how grown up you are now”

Kun shivers at the name. He doesn’t understand why he would say this name, doesn’t understand how he knows it, but he doesn’t want to know. He tries to call Johnny, mentally, but his mind refuses to work correctly. Mr. Layhe then grabs his arm and pulls him up, carrying him as to make people think he was helping him walk. Images are flying before Kun’s eyes but he can’t decipher them. His mind is too confused.

They get out of the room, walking slowly. Kun vaguely hears a woman asking what’s wrong with him. Kun’s mind is too fuzzy for him to understand what’s happening around him, but he vaguely hears Mr. Layhe saying he fainted.

_Liar, liar, liar, liar._

After what feels like an eternity, they arrive at some parking lot, and Mr. Layhe open his car’s door, sitting Kun down.

“Don’t… want….” he mutters, trying to get out of the car.

What is happening? What is Mr. Layhe doing to him? _Johnny…_ he tries to mentally call his friend again, out of desperation, but he’s not sure it’s working now either. He remembers the phone call and how he should have picked up the phone, let him know where he was, what he was doing. He lets his body fall out of the car, slowing Mr. Layhes’ action. He needs to slow him down, gain some time.

He hears the man swear before picking him up and closing the door. Now, it’s bad. Really, really bad.

The car soon starts moving. They’re leaving the parking lot but before that, Mr. Layhe takes out a second needle _. For what?_ Panicking, Kun tries to get away, as far as he can, but it’s no use. Grabbing his hair, the man leans his head to have better access to his neck. Trying to stop him, Kun grabs is forearms but it’s useless. Feeling the burning sensation again, he blinks and groans. His heart is beating fast and he doesn’t understand and he wants to run away.

“Don’t worry, it won’t kill you. I am only giving you small doses” says Mr. Layhe.

Turning his eyes to his, Kun sees determination, but also disgust. Is his teacher disgusted by him?

“I want you to know and see the way home. I want you to remember” he continues, in a deep, insane voice.

_Home._ The word resonates in his mind _. Home._ What he refers to never felt like one. In fact, Kun never knew what a “home” was. Not until now. Not until the agency found him. It became his home, his world, his anchor. He can’t be taken away from it. He can’t.

He feels so cold, suddenly. Maybe he’s crying but his cheeks are so numb he can’t be sure and whatever if he is or not, because it doesn’t matter. He wishes Mr. Layhe gave him more drug, more so that it would kill him. He doesn’t want to come back _there_. Wherever it is now. Panicking, he punches the car door with weak fists. _He wants out. He wants out. He wants out._

“Let…me… go” he groans in between broken breathes.

He sees the building pass before his eyes, the cars, the people, living a completely ignorant and happy life. He wants to scream, he wants them to notice the car, to notice him but the only sound that get out of his mouth is a small cry. It’s like a violent slap in his face, the realization that no one will hear him, no matter how hard he tries. He calls Johnny again, desperate to be saved. Desperate to survive what seems like hell.

After some time, they live the city and continue their way in the highway, then the countryside. Kun lost hope of getting away at this point. He stays still, doesn’t say anything, just cries in silence. After some time, in the middle of nowhere, Mr. Layhe stops the car. Not wasting any time, he gets a third needle out and Kun understands it’s time for the third injection.

“You took your time coming to me you know” Mr. Layhe says, testing the needle “All those times I asked you to come to my office… What a loss of time”

Kun thinks fast. Now that his head is clearer, it could be is only chance to escape. He might still be weak and slow, they might be in the middle of nowhere, but he thinks it would be good enough. He just needs to redirect the needle. Concentrating, he clenches his fists but before he could move, a loud _BANG_ resonates in front of them. The sound makes Kun’s head spine. He feels like vomiting.

“What the fuck…” mutters Mr. Layhe before getting a gun out of the glove compartment.

Kun shivers. Is he going to die today? It feels like he’s going to die today. But Mr. Layhe gets out of the car, gun pointing at something.

“Who the fuck are you?” asks the teacher, his voice less powerful than before, as if he was scared of something

Blinking, Kun tries to focus on what is happening. When his eyes are focused enough, he sees a young man standing in front of the car. There’s a little smirk on his face and a smile in his eyes. He looks amused by the situation.

“I am Wong Yukhei, nice to meet you sir”

Even his voice his full of joy. The wind caresses his hair and lets his forehead breath for a second.

“I think my friend here” he says while pointing at Kun “is in no condition to go anywhere. So I am taking him back”

At those words, Mr. Layhe shoots. The noise is painful to Kun’s ears but he’s more worried for the boy who tried to help him. Is he dead now? When he looks up again, he doesn’t see anyone standing in front of the car. _Was he injured? Please don’t be injured._ As he’s praying for the boys’ life, he hears a little laugh.

“That was not very nice of you sir. I will now have to punish you for this”

The boy is standing in front of the car again. Kun wildly opens his eyes. _How did he do that?_ Mr. Layhe doesn’t seem to like it at all and starts shooting at him without stopping. But the boy disappears again. _Can he teleport himself?_ Looking at his no longer teacher, Kun sees panic in his eyes when he turns to face him. His loader is empty. Swearing, he tries to get back in the car but he’s violently sent away. His scream is blocked in his throat as he flies a couple of meters away. Yukhei, the savior of the day, is standing there, smiling, but visibly annoyed, too.

“I hate guns, they make me exercise more” he mutters before turning to Kun.

His smile disappears when their eyes meet. He then walks towards him. Opening the door, he tries to help, but Kun backs off.

“Don’t…” he says when their hands enter in contact, but it’s too late. 

_An old man is sitting in a rocking chair. He’s reading a book but it falls from his hands. The man blinks and touches his chest, where his heart is. His face shows something like pain, discomfort, confusion. When he gets up, he trips and falls on the ground. He tries to stand up again, but he’s too weak to do so. So he stays on the floor, patiently waiting for death to come and take him._

The images stop. Kun is back to reality. He can still feel the pain in his own heart. He blinks several times before Yukhei’s face appears clearly in front of him. There’s worry and incomprehension in his eyes.

“Are you alright mate?” he asks, kneeling down.

Kun nods, getting away from his grip. He takes deep breathes, trying to stop the dizziness he feels.

“Told… not… touch…” Kun whispers, his voice shaking.

“Why? Do you kill people when they touch you?”

Touching his chest, palping it, he laughs. “Nop” he says “I am still here”

Yukhei seems amused by the situation, but Kun isn’t. There’s nothing to be amused by. Nothing. This situation isn’t funny at all. He opens his mouth to answer, but movements on his right make him stop and tense again. A car parks not far away, making him panic again. He doesn’t understand what’s going on and he hates it and who even is this Yukhei? Who is Mr. Layhe or whatever his real name is? What is he going to do now?

But the people coming their way aren’t enemies. When Kun spots Johnny running towards him, his heart beats slower. He will be ok now. In a matter of seconds, Johnny is kneeling in front of him, his hands cupping his face.

“Are you hurt? What did he do to you?”

Kun smiles slightly before shaking his head.

“Drugs…”

Controlling his anger, tightening his jaws, Johnny helps him get up. Kun finally pays attention to the two other guys coming their way. The first one has red hair and a malicious face. He reminds him of Yukhei, in some way. The other man, in the other hand, has an expressionless face. His white hair doesn’t help on making him friendly. Nor does the scar under his left eye, covering his entire cheek. Kun stares at them until the white-haired guy goes away, running to the direction Mr. Layhe was sent to.

“Who… are you?” Kun finally asks, his voice still weak “How… find… me?”

Leaning on the car, he looks at the three men standing in front of him. He may be safe for now, but this situation is still so confusing to him. Too many questions and no answers.

“You called me remember?” says Johnny, pointing at his head.

“Thought… didn’t… work” Kun mutters, relief that his call was heard from so far away.

“Lucky for you it did” continues Johnny “You should have answered the phone”

Kun is conscious of that. He already blames himself for it and having Johnny pointing out at his mistake makes him angry, strangely, as if he needed to defend himself when he was just a victim. But how could he have known that his own teacher, someone he saw every week, someone he trusted, would try to kidnap him? How was he supposed to know? More importantly, why did he do this? Who was he really? Why him, from all people?

But Kun knows, deep down, why he was targeted. He knows and he hates it and he wants to run away far, far away, but he can’t because he has responsibilities here. People trust him. He can’t run away from himself for the rest of his life.

“When I heard you, Yukhei volunteered to rescue you” Johnny keeps on saying.

Kun looks at Yukhei, who smiles at him when their eyes meet.

“Using… teleportation?” he asks, remembering that the boy could appear and disappear at will.

“Nah, I just run super fast”

A sudden “NO” catches their attention. They turn their head at the same time to see the white-haired boy kneeling in front of Mr. Layhe. Blood is getting out of his throat. Yukhei runs to them and his face gets paler. Kun can see his lips moving but he can’t hear what they say. Coming back, he shakes his head.

“He’s dead”

Kun can’t help but gasp. What does he mean by “he’s dead”?

“He had a knife in one of his pockets, I guess. He cut his own throat”

Shaking, Kun falls down but Johnny firmly keeps him in his arm. His voice is tense when he speaks.

“We need to go before someone sees us. Leave the body and the car”

-

Sitting on a bed in the infirmary, Kun lets Hyuna heal him. He feels better already but he has to stay here until she’s finished. The sensation of her hands on his head makes him think of the first time he touched her. They were young back then. Teenagers. Kun was pitiful and extremely lost and scared of everything and everyone. But Hyuna was nice and always there for him, even though he treated her like shit.

The first physical contact they had was when Kun slapped her. He was angry and seeing her around him all the damn time pushed him to his limits. So he simply slapped her. He wanted her to go away and the only solution he could find at the time was to hurt her. What he saw when their skin entered in contact made him cry. It wasn’t sad tears but happy ones. He felt jealous and nostalgic and strangely calm. He stared at her for a moment before apologizing. It took her an entire week to speak to him again. But when she did, Kun felt happy for the first time in a while.

They separate for a while after Kun had his first episode. He doesn’t remember anything but he did something bad because it scared Hyuna to death. So much she couldn’t be in the same room as him nor did she want anything to do with him after that. She accepted to deal with him again only a couple of months ago, when he came back from a mission with a lot of injuries. He had to stay at the infirmary for a while, which allowed them to talk.

Finding her again after all this time made him happy and he promised himself to always do his best and never let something like this happen again. But obviously, he failed. Like always.

Once she’s done healing him, Hyuna takes a step back and smiles at him.

“You’re all good”

He thanks her before leaving, walking towards Hyolyn’s office. He feels like he’s always there lately and he doesn’t like that. As he walks, he hears a little voice calling his name. Turning around, he sees Chenle running to him, a big smile on his face. Kneeling, Kun takes the little boy in his arms.

“How are you doing little guy?”

“You abandoned me” mutters Chenle, slapping Kun’s shoulder.

The young man laughs before brushing his hair.

“I know, sorry. I had things to do”

“What kind of things?”

Kun smiles before getting up. He can’t talk about this with a kid. Instead, he pushes him away, to the group of kids waiting for him.

“We will talk about it later. Go see your friends”

“Promised?”

“Yeah, promised”

With a timid smile, Chenle waves at him and goes back to his friends. Seeing him socializing makes Kun happy. Chenle needs friends like him, friends he can trust and talk to when needed. A couple of minutes later, Kun stops in front of Hyolyn’s office. Closing his eyes, he breathes deeply before knocking.

The office is full of people. Amber, Taeyong and Irene are standing behind the desk, speaking. Johnny, Jeno, Yukhei and the two other boys are sitting on the chairs, silent. They all turn to him when he closes the door. Uncomfortable, not knowing what to do or what to say, he stays up, standing there like a statue.

After a moment, Hyolyn gets up and walks to him. Her face is blank but her eyes are red, like she’s been crying. She takes him in her arms, hugging him tight. Surprised, Kun doesn’t move for a while before hugging her in return.

“I am glad you’re ok” she whispers in his neck.

When she leans back, she slightly touches his cheek before going back to her sit.

“We can start now”

She ties her hair up in a ponytail before crossing her hands on her desk.

“Not everyone is aware yet, so I am doing the presentation. We have three new members in the agency” she continues, pointing at the three new guys sitting before her.

“I am Ten” says the red-haired guy “and this is Sicheng” he continues, pointing at the white-haired guy “and Yukhei”

Yukhei smiles big and waves at the audience like he’s in a show. Sicheng, him, just nods. There’s a little silence before Irene speaks.

“Why are they here?”

“I called them because we clearly need back-ups right now” says Hyolyn “They’re from the Seoul Agency”

After a short presentation of themselves, the three boys turn to Kun. In fact, everyone is turning to him, waiting for him to speak. Sighing, he tells them everything he remembers, except for what his so-called teacher said to him when they were still in the office. He’s not ready to let them know just yet. After an hour of discussing the various reasons why something like this would happen, Hyolyn clears her throat.

“I want to talk to Kun in private, please” she says.

One by one, after some hesitation, they leave the room. Soon, Kun is alone with her. She looks at him like she can read him -which she can, after all those years- and Kun feels like a little child.

“You weren’t telling everything earlier, I am right?” she finally speaks.

Her tone isn’t accusing, but Kun can see in her eyes that she won’t leave him alone until he speaks. Sighing, he scratches the back of his neck. Better to tell her right away than making things more complicated.

“He said something to me when we were still in his office”

“What did he say?” she asks, her voice gentle.

“Jisoo will be so happy to see you again”

He feels sick just saying her name. He feels sick seeing her in his mind. He feels sick to think that she’s still out there, looking for him. Swallowing dry saliva, he looks up. Hyolyn doesn’t say anything for a long time. She’s paler than usual, hands slightly shaking. She then gets up and takes his hands in hers.

“I want you to listen to me carefully Kun” she says, looking right into his eyes “I will never let that happen. I will never let her touch you again. Ever. If I need to kill her in order to protect you, I will”

Kun looks away. He feels like throwing up and his heart his beating fast and he’s suddenly too hot.

“You are safe” she continues, cupping his face “People are here to protect you and look after you. Nothing can hurt you here”

A single tear falls down his eye. He stands up brutally and, not looking back, gets out of the room. He feels his head spinning and his legs shaking and he hits his head against the wall. Once. Twice. Maybe more. He then closes his eyes and punches the wall with his fist. There’s blood on the wall, blood on his hand. He closes his eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. But they won’t.

Hyolyn’s words are on repeat in his head and he can’t handle it. He can’t breathe and he can’t stand up so he lets himself fall on the ground, letting the panic take control of him. He can still hear Hyolyn’s intonation, her sweet and clear voice, repeating itself, again and again, telling him the exact same words Jisoo used before she locked him up. 

_

For the following days, Kun was confined in the agency. He couldn’t go to college, couldn’t go on missions nor could he take a walk. The outside world became a fantasy, really. Amber told him they were checking everything in order to protect him. If Mr. Layhe -or whatever his real name was- had an accomplished or a link to NARSA, they needed to find out soon and take care of it.

Kun understood and was grateful, but he didn’t like the feeling of being locked up. He missed his freedom more than ever. Luckily, Chenle stayed with him. He was glued to him, really. His ability wasn’t out yet, but if he was wanted, that was because he was special. So they needed to protect him against the world. Like Kun.

Surprisingly, he also spent time with the three new members of the agency. They were nice guys and actually quite fun to be around. Yukhei and Ten didn’t miss any opportunity to mess with the kids and Sicheng followed them, unbothered, but with a discrete smile on his face. At first, Kun thought he was anti-social but it’s just that he didn’t like talking very much. A thing they shared in common.

He didn’t see Johnny a lot either because he was always out, looking for clues. Kun could see that he had an anger in him he couldn’t hide and he was worried, but they never had time to talk about it. He also had a feeling that Johnny was avoiding him and it made him uncomfortable, sad.

After eight days, he can’t take it anymore. He looks for Amber -or even better, Hyolyn- to ask her to let him go outside before he explodes. He finds Amber in the cafeteria during lunch, eating with two other women.

Kun stays there for a moment, looking at them before shaking his head, making his way to their table. He salutes them politely before centering his attention to Amber.

“Can I talk to you?”

She stares at him for a moment before nodding. They walk out of the cafeteria and stop in the middle of the corridor. Or more like, Kun stops and Amber almost bumps into him. Not waiting any longer, he speaks his needs.

“Amber, I know you won’t agree with me, but please, please, you have to let me go outside. I am slowly but surely dying here”

She looks him with a blank face. He can’t decide if she’s angry or just bored.

“I know you are” she finally says, sighing “but you have to talk to Hyolyn about this. I wasn’t the one giving the order”

Taking a deep breath, Kun closes his eyes. He knew that. Hyolyn gives every order, has a word on anything that happens but he hoped that Amber had a little power over this situation. She apparently doesn’t. Fine. He’ll talk to her then.

“I am sorry Kun, but you know how she is”

Yeah, that he knew, for sure. Nodding, he thanks her before walking toward Hyolyn’s office. Hoping she was in, he knocks on the door. After a second of silence, he knocks again.

“She’s not here”

Jumping away from the door, Kun looks around him. A little blond-haired girl is staring at him, a glass of water in her hands. Seeing the look of confusion on the young man’s face, the girl points at the office door.

“Hyolyn is not here for now. She went out”

“Oh, ok… thanks” he responds, his voice lower.

Nodding, the little girl goes away, passing through the opposite wall. Frowning, Kun makes his way back to the cafeteria. Hyolyn never goes outside. If she did, it must be for something important. Did they find something about what happened? He hopes so. The sooner they find answers, the sooner he can go outside.

“Kun!”

Hearing his name being shout, he turns around and finds Yukhei running to him.

“What’s up?” he asks, not certain about how to interpret the other boys’ smile.

“Come train with us”

Surprised, he looks behind Yukhei. Ten and Sicheng are walking their way. Training with them? Why? Most importantly: how? He can’t touch Sicheng and Ten for sure. But he can touch Yukhei now, he guesses, and he’s in a desperate need of something to do to release his agitation. Sighing, he nods and follows them to the training room 28. Changing his sweatshirt for a long-sleeved shirt and his jeans for sweatpants, he takes time to observe the other boys.

Yukhei is tall and even if he’s slim, his muscles are visibly strong. Sicheng is a little smaller and has more of a frail figure but Kun doesn’t doubt that he could kill him with a surprising speed if he wanted to. Ten is clearly the smallest of them all but gives an impression of big strength and complete control that makes Kun wonders what he looks like when fighting.

Getting out of the locker rooms, Kun doesn’t forget to put gloves on. Those are on all the practice rooms, not only for him but for all the people who, like him, have complicated abilities. Sicheng glances at him for a second before going to the sandbag.

“Are you a good fighter?”

Stopping himself from starring, Kun turns to Ten. The latter is looking at him with a smirk on his face, like he’s ready to jump at him. Shrugging, he looks at the ground.

“I am ok”

Kun never liked fighting -especially because of his ability. He was never the best, but never the worst either. He’s average, and it’s well enough for him. He just needed to know how to get away if he was ever attacked since he was never put in the front line anyway. What he liked thought, was the feeling of peace that comes with the way his body moves with ease and rapidity. Most of the time, he trains with Johnny, sometimes with Jeno, too. Irene was his partner for a time, before she was injured.

“Fight with me then”

Coming back to reality, Kun stares at Ten for a second, clenching his jaws. Even with the gloves on, his face is still easily accessible. To exposed for Kun’s pleasure.

“It’s better if not”

Yukhei and Ten look at him, confusion and interest mixed in their eyes. Kun mentally prepares himself for the questions that will follow his statement. People always ask questions.

“Why?” Ten says again, eyebrows raised in a somewhat mocking manner “Is it because you don’t want to be touched? Or is it because you can’t touch people?”

Kun shivers. Looks up at Ten, who’s looking back at him like he’s trying to read through him, like he’s looking for something. He won’t get anything from Kun, not anything that really matters, but there is no use in lying. So Kun blinks, bites his lip.

“I can’t be touched”

Maybe this is a lie. Maybe Ten is right and it’s the combination of both of his statements. Kun can be touched, technically, but it’s painful, both physically and mentally. So he likes to pretends he can’t be touched. It easier. Sometimes. 

“Weird, then, that there are some people allowed to touch you” Ten half laughs, eyes going right through Kun’s body “Like Johnny, for example”

Sighing again, Kun scratches his neck.

“That’s... different”

“How?”

“It’s different, is all”

He doesn’t want to explain himself, doesn’t want to tell the reasons behind his lack of physical contacts because them knowing won’t bring anything good. It never does.

“Whatever your ability is, he’s immune, is that it?”

Looking at the boy, Kun silently asks him to stop questioning him. He’s not in the correct state of mind to defend himself. Yukhei takes a step forward then, his eyes darker than before.

“Can you touch me?”

They look at each other for a moment before Kun nods.

“Why can you touch Yukhei and not the rest of us?”

This time, it’s Sicheng who asked the question. Turning to him, Kun swallows hard. There’s no way he can get away with this.

“Because we touched once, the day my… teacher… kidnaped me”

Now they’re even more confused. _Great job Kun, really great fucking job._

“Look, it’s complicated. All I can say is that once I touched someone I-” he stops, looking for the proper words to use “I don’t like the first touch, ok?”

This explanation doesn’t make sense either, he knows, but it’s the best he can do right now. The best he can do, period. Ten makes a nose sound, frowning.

“You’re not making any sense, you know that?”

“What happens when you first touch someone?”

Kun looks up at Sicheng, whose eyes are now darker, if that’s even possible, considering that they’re very dark to begin with.

“What do you feel?” he continues “What do you see?”

They stare at each other for a long time after this. Tension grows up quickly and it’s like the world around them disappears. There’s only the two of them in the room now. Kun feels like Sicheng can read him like an open book and he doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like the fact that Sicheng seems to see and notice every detail, every insignificant action. He doesn’t like how vulnerable he makes him feel and probably look. They got closer to each other and Kun only notices it when he’s dragged away from the other boy.

“Arguing won’t take us anywhere, people” says Yukhei, his voice firm.

Kun clears his throat and looks at the ground. What would he have done if Yukhei didn’t stop him? Probably something stupid and ridiculous, like always.

“He’ll talk to us when he’s ready”

Looking at Kun, he continues.

“I’ll fight with you”

-

Two hours later, Kun is sitting in Hyolyn’s office. His body hurts and his muscles are screaming, but he feels relaxed. He took all his stress away by training with Yukhei and he feels better now. It’s a weird feeling to him, peace and quiet, but he really likes it. He definitely appreciates himself more like this than closed up.

“I can’t let you go out” Hyolyn speaks “It’s too dangerous”

Her voice is firm, her face blank, but Kun can see in her eyes that she’s worried and tired.

“You can’t hide me forever. If they can’t find me outside, they will come in here and I don’t want to put everyone in danger”

Even though he will try everything to get out, he’s not lying when he says this. Because he knows he’s right. If NARSA is really after him again, they will never stop. They will come here and make a mess just to take him and he can’t let them do that.

“They will never be able to come here”

“You know they will. They’re better than us, don’t pretend it’s the other way around”

She stares at him for a second before shaking her head.

“I can’t allow this. I won’t put you at risk”

“I am always at risk”

That also is the truth. Ever since he joined the agency, he was at risk and was a risk for others. That never stopped her from protecting him. But he’s grown now, he knows what he’s doing and he’s not afraid anymore. At least, he thinks he’s not.

“Give me a bodyguard if you want, make your men follow me, do what you want but please, let me out. I don’t know what I will do if I stay inside longer”

She stays silent for a while, thinking about the good and the bad.

“I’ll stay with Johnny” he continues, pulling out his last card “He won’t leave my side and I won’t do anything else than go to college and come right back at the apartment. I swear. Please”

She closes her eyes, hiding her face into her hands. Kun silently prays for her to agree with him because he can’t do this anymore. He needs to breathe again.

“I am scared for you, you know?” she whispers, looking up at him.

When their eyes meet, he can’t stop but think that she seems vulnerable, almost fragile.

“You’re overprotecting me”

-

A smile on his face, Kun stares at his bedrooms’ ceiling. He’s back at the apartment now, and he’s never been happier. It feels good to be back. Looking at his alarm clock, he sees it’s late at night, but he can’t sleep. Too much emotions kept him awake. Getting up, he walks to Johnny’s room. He hesitates before knocking because he might be asleep, but Kun needs to see his friend. Needs to talk to him. Feel him. It’s been too long since they had a minute together.

He opens the door slowly, not wanting to wake him up in case he was really sleeping. Taking little steps, he lies down on the bed, hugging Johnny tight. He missed the sensation of their skin touching. He missed smelling his parfum. He missed his strength. Inhaling deeply into his neck, he closes his eyes, trying to sleep. He suddenly feels Johnny’s arms pulling him closer and he follows the movement with a light smile. They stay like that for a moment before Kun feels Johnny shaking.

“Are you ok?”

The whisper resonates in the silent room like a gunshot. Johnny is always ok, always strong and powerful. Having him shaking doesn’t feel right.

“You scared me, you know?” Johnny says.

They don’t look at each other, but Kun can hear his trembling voice and imagine the face he must be making right now.

“When you called for help the other day… it was like… hearing you die”

Getting up, Kun sits, looking right at Johnny. He too is shaking now.

“It was awful”

Kun closes his eyes when he hears the crack of Johnny’s voice. He didn’t know how Johnny felt. He had no idea he scared him like that. Not to the point that he’d be shaking, scared and letting his feelings speak for a change. Kun hates seeing him like that, he hates that he’s the one making him sad and worried. He hates that he relies on him so much without being able to help him in return. He’s useless to him, he knows it and he wants to do more but doesn’t know how. Johnny soon sits up too, and Kun cups his face in his hands, then moves his fingers in his hair. 

“I never want to hear you call out for help like that ever again”

Getting closer to him, Kun forces eye contact. It’s dark in the room but he can see Johnny’s eyes shaking, he can imagine the worry and the fear and the love in them. Giving him a sad smile, he brushes their nose together.

“We both know you will”

These words are so dangerous but so terribly true and it makes Kun want to scream and punch something and crawl on the ground but he closes his mind to the feelings. He shouldn’t have said this, he shouldn’t have been so franc but he wants Johnny to remember and never forget and make promises he probably won’t be able to keep. It’s incredibly painful and his heart is hurting him and tears are ready to fall but he suppresses all of that to only focus on Johnny. Johnny and his shaking body. Johnny and his heavy breathes. Johnny and his hands on his waist. Johnny and his face getting closer.

“Stop talking”

When their lips meet, it’s all shaky and confused and rushed but it’s also soft and full of unspoken words. All of their fear, worry, love and regret are passing through that one kiss and Kun shivers even more when Johnny lies him down on the bed, pulling himself on top. His weight feels good, and he asks for more and he gasps when it’s given to him. Then, he forgets about everything that is not Johnny’s lips, hands, back, waist. He loses himself in the feelings, the sensations, the pleasure, the sounds. The love.

-

When Kun wakes up, he’s alone in the bed. It’s soon to be midday and his stomach screams its hunger. Getting up, he dresses up before making is way to the kitchen. Boiling water, he eats a cookie. Sunrays are caressing his face and he closes his eyes, enjoying the feeling of peace. As he’s putting some pastas in the boiling water, his phone rings. Looking at who it is, Kun smiles at Johnny’s name.

He answers, happy to be able to talk to his friend again, like before. They won’t mention what happened last night, they never do. It’s a thing they do sometimes, when the pressure is too much or when they feel a certain need for intimacy. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

It’s just something they do.

But when Johnny speaks, it’s not what he wanted. Or needed.

“Get out of the apartment”

He seems out of breath. His voice is shaking. Confused, Kun gets out of the kitchen, not minding the pastas. His stomach clenches, but this time, it’s not from hunger.

“Get out now and run to the agency”

Kun nods but forgets Johnny can’t see him.

“Did you hear me Kun? Get out NOW”

Ending the phone call, Kun grabs a jacket before making his way out. He doesn’t know why he has to run away or what happened that made Johnny react like that, but it’s not good. At all. Rushing out of the building, he runs and bumps into someone. Glancing at the woman he pushed, he makes sure she’s not hurt.

When she looks up at him, his body freezes. He can’t breathe. Shaking, he takes a few steps back. This can’t be happening. No. Not today. Not again. It can’t…

“Don’t be here” he whispers in between broken breathes.

Smirking, the woman jumps at him. Reacting in the second, Kun avoids the punch by moving to the left. Not thinking, he grabs her wrist, twists her arm and blocks it behind her back.

“Why are you here?” he screams to her.

He hates how is voice is trembling but he can’t stop it. It’s unreal, like a dream, a nightmare.

A nightmare.

Yes. That’s it. A nightmare. It’s just a nightmare. He almost wants to laugh at the thought. Of course it’s a nightmare, as always. He’s going to wake up. When he will open his eyes, Johnny will be laying right next to him, his hair messy, his morning voice singing in his hears. Yes _. Just a Nightmare Kun. Just a nightmare. Wake up now._

But he’s pushed back into reality when the woman’s’ skull hits his nose. Screaming out in pain, he lets her go. As she’s jumping on him again, she’s suddenly pushed against the wall. Falling, she shakes her head, tries to get up. Yukhei suddenly appears in front of her, a baseball bat in his hands. Looking down at her, he hits her head, for good measure.

“I am taking her to the agency” says Yukhei, looking at Kun, out of breath “You wait for Johnny here. You don’t move”

Sitting on the ground, he watches Yukhei carry the woman in his arms and runs away. His hands are pressing his nose, catching the blood. He doesn’t know how long he waits until Johnny arrives but when he sees him, he runs to him.

“Are you ok?” Johnny asks, cupping his face.

Kun nods and follows his friend to the car. The ride to the agency is silent and full of tension and it’s only when they park in front of the building that Kun notices Ten, in the back seats, unconscious.

“What happened to him?” he asks as Johnny caries him inside.

“She drugged him, probably thinking he was you”

Shivering, he follows him under the ground and into the infirmary. He feels cold but tries to keep an emotionless mask on his face. He can’t lose his mind right now. He needs to focus and understand the situation. Entering the room, Johnny looks around.

“Hyuna?!”

“I am here”

Following the sound of her voice, Kun sees her healing the woman who attacked him. He feels sick for a second. He doesn’t want her to be healed. He wants her to be dead. Why didn’t Yukhei keep hitting her? Why didn’t he kill her?

“Ten needs cares”

“Put him in one of the beds, I’ll take care of him right after”

Looking around, watching Hyuna working and Taeyong walking back and forth in front of the bed, Kun notices that someone is missing.

“Where’s Sicheng?”

“He stayed back at your college”

“My college? Why were you there?”

Putting Ten down, Johnny stares at Kun.

“We went to check on your teacher’s office again, see if we missed anything. She attacked us there”

Turning is gaze at her, he continues.

“She too must have been looking for something. Or someone”

-

Two hours later, in one of the empty practice room, Hyolyn, Johnny, Kun, Ten and Yukhei are staring at the woman. Still unconscious, they made her sit in a chair in the middle of the room. They’re waiting for her to wake up so they can ask her questions. If she doesn’t cooperate, Johnny will have no other choice than read her mind and find what they’re looking for. Sicheng came back not so long ago with files in his hands and Taeyong went to check them out with him.

A couple of minutes later, the woman starts moving. Groaning, she blinks several times. Looking around, she finally understands where she is. Walking toward her, Hyolyn looks down at her.

“What’s your name?”

The woman stays silence, not looking anywhere but the ground. Her breathe is shaking, just like the rest of her body.

“Why did you attack Kun?”

Hyolyn’s voice gets higher by the words, but no one cares. She gets closer and pulls the woman’s hair to make her look into her eyes.

“What the fuck do you want from him?”

The woman’s’ eyes darken and a rictus appears on her face. Staring at Hyolyn like she’s disgusted, she spits on her.

“Don’t touch me you monster”

She then laughs, her eyes crazy. The rest of the group stays silent, but Kun feels the urge to strangle her and feel her breath stop and see her lips turning blue and break her neck and see her life leaving her eyes and… _Stop. Kun, calm down._ Johnny’s voice resonates in his head and he looks at him. They speak with their eyes, focus on only them, when Hyolyn comes back. Wiping of the spit away, she glances at Johnny.

“She won’t give us anything. Read her mind, we have no time to lose”

The young boy nods without breaking eye contact with Kun. Breathing slowly, the latter nods in return. He won’t do anything stupid. Not now at least. But he can’t promise anything for later.

“No!” Johnny suddenly screams, running to the woman “Ten!”

The latter runs towards her too, his hand outstretched, but it’s too late. White lather is getting out of her mouth and she convulses so much the chair falls on the ground.

“Someone gets Hyuna here right now!” screams Hyolyn, her hands around the woman face.

Kun doesn’t hear anything anymore. He just stares at her, dying, taking her secrets in the grave with her. Poison. Typical NARSA strategy. He blocks his lungs, stopping his breathe. He stays still, not breathing, until he sees stars, until his head is spinning. He waits a little more and only then breathes again. He has to speak up.

“I knew her”

His voice is low but strangely steady. Everyone turns to look at him, confusion in their eyes.

“She worked for them”


	3. #3

Kun had always found her pretty. Her long red hair, her freckles, her little puffy nose, her big green eyes, her little smile at the corner of her mouth. She also had a sweet voice. Very different from what he heard earlier. Her hands were soft, too. Her features delicate. But death does not suit her. At all. Her skin is too white, almost translucent, her blue lips contrast way too much with her pale face. Her slim figure seems withered.

He’s been staring at her for a long time now. Hours maybe. He can’t stop.

He keeps seeing her moving around. He keeps remembering her in her uniform, giving orders, glancing at him, giving other orders, slapping the other kids, throwing them against the walls and against the ground. She was a strong woman, even when she looked so tiny. People were afraid of her. Kun was afraid of her. The fact that she looked so incredibly nice but was actually a monster was what scared him the most.

She was like a siren. Beautifully dangerous. And he always wanted to kill her. But he hadn’t had that chance.

Slightly, he brushes the back of his fingers against her cheek, feeling her coldness, feeling her death. Slowly, his hand goes down to her jaw, her chin, her throat. He places his whole hand on it, squeezing it a little, imagining. If he had the chance to strangle her, what would he have felt? Would it feel good to have her under him, struggling, looking for air? He would have enjoyed killing her, he thinks. He would have liked to see the fear in her eyes after she understood there was no way out. He would have enjoyed the feeling of her throat breaking under his hands, the little sounds getting out of her mouth, her nails scratching his forearms, her body ceasing to move, the final breath.

He would have enjoyed killing her like she enjoyed killing his friends. Instinctively, his hand tightens around her neck. He’s strangling her without noticing it, too absorbed in the contemplation of her face.

He takes his hand away when he hears the doors opening. Shaking a bit, he blinks. Looks at his hand. Almost amazed. He takes back what he thought before. He has the potential to become a killer. They made him a killer, back then. And it scares him.

“Kun?”

He glances at the door. Sicheng is staring at him. His white hair reflects the light of the room, hiding half of his eyes, but not his scar. Kun follows it all the way to the middle of his cheek. A straight line, precise, clean, beautiful. The one who did that to him knew what they were doing.

“The meeting is about to start”

Kun doesn’t say anything for a moment, keeping his eyes on the scar. Then, he nods. They walk in silence all the way to Hyolyn’s office, entering without knocking. Hyolyn is sitting at her desk, her hair usually perfect now living a free life. She’s paler than ever. Johnny, Yukhei and Ten are whispering to her, Amber and Taeyong silent, waiting in a corner next to them.

When Johnny finally sees him, he walks to him and hugs him tight. It’s weird because they never hug in front of people. Affection is only showed in their intimacy.

“We found something” Johnny says, taking a few steps back.

Taking place in the seats, Kun only looks at Hyolyn, who doesn’t look back.

“Before we begin, Kun, tell us what you know about that woman”

Blinking, he looks down at his hands. He knows he has to speak up and tell everything but he doesn’t like the fact that so many people will know such private things about him. The things he’s going to say, he doesn’t want anyone to know about them. He doesn’t want the pity that will appear in their eyes when they’ll put the pieces together, he doesn’t want them to see him in a different way when they’ll understand. But he doesn’t have a choice.

“Her name was Jung Somin”

His voice doesn’t shake anymore. And he smiles. His fear was gone the moment she died.

“She was a member of NARSA, as you all can guess by now”

He takes a deep breath, looking for the right words to use.

“I am sure you all know that NARSA is looking for a cure that would make abilities disappear. And to do so, they take little children, homeless people, dying people with abilities, to experiment on them, test them. They’re not considerate like humans but rather like animals they can torture all they want. The… subjects… no one knows they exist, no one wants them nor will reclaim them if they disappear”

He stops for a second, taking a deep breath. Talking about the kids reminds him of all the people he’s lost and saw die and heard scream in pain. Sounds he will never forget. He hears them in his dreams. The faces, the blood, the dismembered bodies, the cages, the electric chairs, the bad food. He sees them all and will always do.

He thinks of Chenle, next. Imagines him behind bars, being tortured, crying in pain. Shivering, Kun clears his throat. He shouldn’t be thinking about that. He shouldn’t think of the fact that Chenle is one of the lucky orphans.

“She was in charge of guarding the kids” he continues “Make sure they don’t escape, kill themselves or worst, kill one of the scientists”

Because yes, a scientist death was more important than a child’s. A kid is easy to replace. Doctors aren’t.

“I believe she was looking for me when you found her in Mr. Layhes’ office”

“Why would she be looking for you?”

Kun turns to Yukhei. They stare at each other in silence. There’s something in Yukhei’s eyes, but Kun can’t identify what it is.

“Because I was under her… care… when I was locked up in NARSA’s laboratories”

“You… they experimented on you?” asks Ten, his voice deepening.

“They did”

The silence is heavy. Kun doesn’t like it. He wants people to speak, to say something, to make noise. He wants them to do something, not just stare at him.

“Is that all you can say about her?” asks Taeyong

“I thought she was dead” Kun says, shaking his head “The day you came and saved me, the building collapsed, remember? I didn’t see her get out so I thought she died that day”

Johnny takes his hand in his and squeezes it. Kun smiles at him, thankful to have him here. Nodding, Hyolyn gets up to show photos on the wall.

“When Johnny told you we found something, he was talking about this”

The photos picture a large and fancy building. People are walking in front of it, visibly busy and in a hurry. Judging by the clothes they wear, they’re in the business area. Every suit looks perfect, every shoes look sharp. _Strepsil Industry_ is writing in capital letters at the front doors.

“We took those photos after the information found in files Mr. Layhe left in his office. We’re almost sure he was a member of NARSA, too. There would be no other explanation”

Yes, he was part of the corporation, Kun’s sure of it. How could he have known about Jisoo otherwise? How could he have known who he was? What he was capable of? Mr. Layhe was working with those people. But Kun can’t reveal that without talking about Jisoo. And he would rather return in a cage than doing so.

For the most part, they talk about the building: what’s its use, its actions, its CEO, its business trend. They also look at the map Amber brought with her, showing every enters and exits. They talk about the security system, the number of guards. In other words, they’re discussing an infiltration.

“We need to hack their system to find out if there’s an actual link with NARSA. And if so, we need to look into it and find their new main building.” says Taeyong, hands on the desk.

“How can you be sure you’ll find any clues?” asks Sicheng, skeptical “we don’t know anything about this place. It could be nothing for all we know”

Kun doesn’t say anything, but he was asking himself the same question. How could they be sure this building was related to NARSA in any way? It’s not unusual for them to have files on other industries and laboratories. They’re always looking for new places to be. This could be a simple business move. Because it’s impossible to track them if they’re everywhere.

“That’s all we have” says Hyolyn, sadness in her eyes “This building is the only clue we have, the only hope left. It could be nothing, I know, but I am ready to risk it because what if, in the end, it _is_ something?”

-

_Somin is laying down on the floor. She’s not moving. Not breathing. Her face is way too white, her lips way too blue. Her eyes wild open. She’s staring at him through death and he can feel her hands on his face, his hair, pulling him. The wind caresses her, making her hair cover her face. There’s no sound, nothing but absolute silence. And then, she’s up. Legs shaking, she comes his way. He tries to turn away and run but he can’t. It’s impossible to move. Looking down at his feet, he sees hands, getting out of the ground, grabbing him, not letting him go. Looking up, he meets Somin’s eyes. She’s in front of him, smiling. He can smell the scent of death coming out of her._

_Blood his escaping from her mouth._

_“She’s coming”_

When he wakes up, Kun is shaking, covered in sweat and crying. It’s been six days since Somin’s death, and his nightmares are only getting worse Every time he closes his eyes, he sees her, or the laboratories, or the other children or the scientists. He’s tired but doesn’t complain. He must live with it. With the memories. With the feelings.

He accepted to stay in the agency again, with a condition: a personal room. He didn’t want to sleep in the dormitory with other people, not when he would wake up screaming every night.

Getting up, he starts dressing up, ignoring the early hour. Opening his door, he finds Sicheng waiting there, head up, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Seeing him like that, in front of his door, reminds him of how he got into all of this.

Being accepted on the infiltration wasn’t an easy task. They all refused to let him participate because it was “too dangerous” and he was “an easy target”. They were right, of course, and Kun hated it, but he wanted to be part of this mission, no matter what. He wanted answers, names, reasons, and he wanted to be in the front line. He didn’t care how dangerous it was, how at risk he would be put at because his safety was the last of his worries. He wanted in, and he would do anything to reach his goals.

He spent his entire days sitting in Hyolyn’s office, in silence, patiently waiting for her to look at him, acknowledging his presence and his desire to talk to her. But she did none of that. She never looked at him, never cared about him. Kun never let go. She was stubborn, but he was even more. Ironically, being locked up for years and having no one to talk to helps you getting used to silence and ignorance.

One day, in a terrible mood after a horrible nightmare, Kun entered Hyolyn’s office once again, ready to take a sit. But there were people in, too. The usual gang. All preparing the mission. Without him. Glancing at Johnny, he felt like vomiting. Even him have let him down.

He wasn’t really surprised, to be honest. Johnny was always Hyolyn’s favorite dog, after Taeyong. Since Kun knew there were no way he could talk to her and make her change her mind privately, he decided to change his approach. And he was certain it would work.

“I’ll go on my own”

His voice was clear, firm, neutral. He didn’t know if his assurance was fake or not anymore, but he didn’t hate it. Better be fake than weak. Sighing, Hyolyn shook her head. Didn’t even bother looking at him.

“No, you won’t”

Her voice was firm too, but somehow tired. Daring, he smirked. 

“You won’t be able to stop me”

From the corner of his eyes, he saw the others tensing at his words. Especially Johnny. Good. He wanted them to take him seriously, for once. Not out of fear he would lose his mind again, but out of the knowledge they had on his persuasion.

“I’ll assign you guards then”

She still didn’t look at him, yet her voice seemed to shake a little.

“I would kill them trying to get out, you know it”

This was a lie and not a lie at the same time. Kun didn’t want to kill people from the agency, didn’t want to have more blood on his hands, but this mission was more important than two men dying. And he was willing to do anything, including killing, to have the answers he desperately needed.

Everyone looked up at him, chocked, but his eyes stayed on Hyolyn. She was the only one he cared about. He had things to say and having an audience didn’t bother him. Especially not when it could help him won his case.

“Leave us”

Her order was taken seriously, and everyone left the room, even if they clearly didn’t want too. Kun felt that Johnny was trying to communicate with him, but he blocked his mind. He didn’t want to talk to him nor hear what he had to say. It took a minute for everyone to leave, and once they did, the silence that enveloped the room was heavy.

“I’ll go with you”

“And what if my answer is still no? What would you do?”

“Like I said, I’ll go on my own”

“And what would you do then? How are you going to have access to the computer system?”

That was an easy question, because that’ wasn’t the plan he would go with.

“I’ll just tell them my name” he said, a laugh in his voice “If they’re really part of NARSA, they’ll know who I am”

The sound of his own voice, of the words he just spoked, glassed his blood, made him want to vomit, but he hung there. He _had_ to. His revelation got her chocked. She brutally got up, hitting her desk with the palm of her hands. Shaking.

“Are you mad? You don’t actually think about doing this, do you?”

“I do”

“If they’re really related to NARSA, you’ll be taken away with no way to escape”

He nodded. He knew that. He knew that was a very stupid plan, but what else could he do? They wanted him and would do anything -even mistakes- to have him. They wouldn’t back down on him. Not after all those years.

“I know, but if I disappear, you’ll have your answer”

Hyolyn stared at Kun like she didn’t know him, like he was a stranger, like she hadn’t _raised_ him. That hurt him, but he tried not to think about it. He had worst experiences before, he told himself. He could do this.

“Don’t do this”

“Let me in then”

“No”

“Fine then”

And on that, he walked to the door.

“I’ll do things to you Kun”

Hyolyn’s voice was as cold as the worst winter, and that was how he knew. He had won. Turning to her, he challenged her to go further. To talk more. To cross the line.

“What things?”

Biting her lips, she didn’t respond. Her entire body was stoic, except for her hands. They were shaking like crazy.

“What things Hyolyn?”

“I’ll lock you up. I’ll lock you up and drug you. I’ll drug you, if I need to”

He stopped breathing for a time. He was aiming for this to happen. He wanted her to say that, to push her so much she would have no other choice. Her only weakness was him, he knew it. And he knew how to play with it. Manipulating her was always an easy thing to do.

“I won’t let you go”

Her whisper was full of sadness and he could see the tears she was holding back. His heart hitched from seeing her like that, but he couldn’t stop now. He was so close, so close.

“How are you any different from them then?”

This was his final card. Comparing her to the people she hated the most would break her. And he needed that in order to get in.

“How are you not acting like my mom did? How are you not the exact same piece of shit, when you want to lock me up and fucking drug me?”

She couldn’t hold back anymore. Tears were running down her face and her lips were shaking and she sobbed like a child. Watching her cry for a time, Kun tried to think about the future. He wanted to cry too, he wanted to stop all of this but their enemies were ready to do anything. So, they too, had to be ready to do anything.

They couldn’t stay hidden forever, not anymore. They needed to fight back and save their lives. No matter the price they would have to pay for it.

Taking control of her body again, after some time, Hyolyn looked up at him.

“You’re wrong Kun. I would never…”

“You would. You’re thinking like them. You’ve _just_ talked like them. You’re _becoming_ them”

Walking towards him, she grabbed his arms and shook him.

“I will NEVER be like them!”

Getting away from her grip, Kun cupped her face between his hands, looking inside her eyes like he was reading her mind.   
  
“I’ve been locked up for six years Hyolyn. I’ve seen them work, heard them talk, studied them. I know them better than I know myself. So don’t you dare tell me that I don’t recognize their influence when it’s right in front of my eyes”

Not waiting for her answer, he walked out of the room and ran to an empty practice room. There, he pushed a sandbag until he couldn’t feel his fists anymore, until his arms screamed for a break and his head was killing him.

The next morning, Sicheng was waiting for him in front of his door, head up, eyes fixed on the ceiling, ready to take him to practice.

They’ve been preparing for the infiltration non-stop since then, training every day and memorizing every details of the building. They needed to be perfectly prepared if they wanted to have a chance, even a tiny one, to succeed.

All Kun had to do, paired up with Sicheng, was to open the service doors so that Yukhei could quickly enter and plug a USB card into the informatic system. It was simple, but risky. They didn’t have to fight anyone, they didn’t have to run, they didn’t have to be afraid.

The day before the intervention, Sicheng knocks at Kun’s door. Letting him in, Kun glances at Sicheng, not sure of what the other boy could want. Sitting on the only chair of the room, Sicheng looks into Kun’s eyes.

“How do you feel?”

Taking place on his bed, Kun shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t really know how he feels, what he should feel. He’s tired, but also determined to find answers. He might even be the one wanting to find clues the most. Not Hyolyn, not Johnny, but him. Him and him again because his world turns, or used to turn, around NARSA and their ambitions of curing something nature herself created.

He’s tired of always relying on others, always be put in the back and not be able to participate. He feels useless and he wishes he wasn’t that weak. Or unstable. God, he wished he wasn’t unstable.

“I am alright. Anxious about tomorrow, I guess”

Sicheng nods, still looking at him.

“Everything will be fine. You’ve studied the plan until you could recite it in your sleep. Just stick to what we have to do and we’ll be gone in no time”

Kun is surprised to hear those kinds of words. Surprised to have someone believing in him and his capacity. The others, they never truly trusted him, always doubting him, always scared of what could happen if they didn’t watch him 24/7. But not Sicheng. There’s nothing of that attitude in him and that’s a breath of fresh air.

Strangely, the more time Kun spends with the white-haired boy, the more comfortable he feels. It’s a weird feeling.

They speak a little more after that, until Johnny enters the room. He and Kun finally had a talk and decided to start over, a couple of days after he joined the mission, like they always do. Kun turns to him and smiles, but Johnny’s eyes are stuck on Sicheng. The two boys stare at each other for a second before the latter gets up in silence. Turning to Kun, he smiles at him.

“Try to sleep tonight, we need you ready tomorrow”

On that, he leaves the room, not bothering to say anything to Johnny, nor bothering to even look at him.

The next morning, Kun feels calm. It’s as if all his anxiety left him during the night. He didn’t sleep a lot, but he feels in perfect control of his mind. Sitting in the back seats of a black SUV, Hyolyn’s giving them earing kits.

“I still believe I should have just run in there alone and finish the job in ten seconds” mutters Yukhei, stretching.

“No, you would have activated the alarms at the doors. We need discretion” Hyolyn says. 

When they get started, it goes quick. Dressed as cleaners, Kun and Sicheng enter by the personnel doors, at the back. Slowly, they make their way up to the informatic floor, not talking to anyone, heads down. Opening specifics doors one by one, letting just enough space for them to look closed, they make the perfect path for Yukhei to come in.

As they approach the room they’re interested in, Kun looks up, checking if anyone is watching them. The only person he sees is a woman, walking her way out of the corridor, and Kun suddenly feels weird. He saw (or he thinks he saw) a familiar face. Or what he thinks is a familiar face.

And his world cracks down.

He’s not able to breath anymore. He’s not able to move or think or speak. His knees begin to shake and he’s not sure if they’ll have enough strength to support him for long.

“Mom…?”

He whispered it but it was loud enough for Sicheng to hear. He looks at him with a strange expression on his face. Confusion for sure, surprise, perhaps. Not caring about anything but what he thought he saw, Kun walks his way to the woman. Because he knows, he _knows_ , this is the answer he was looking for. This, not some stupid computers in a stupid company.

He doesn’t know what he will do if this woman is really who he thinks she is. What would he say? What would he feel? What would he do? What would he not do? What would happen? It’s strange because it’s been years since he last saw her. It’s been years since he thought of seeing her again. 

His eyes are going crazy. His mind too. And then he sees her again. Her long straight hair, up in a ponytail, just like before, her shoulders rigid, just like before, walking fast, just like before. Could it really be her? Could she really be there? Is she real? He didn’t see her face clearly, so he can’t tell, but he has this feeling, deep down, telling him that, yes, his mother is here, she’s real, she’s back. And she’s going to hurt him again if she sees him.

She stops on her track when two men approach her, handing her some papers, and Kun doesn’t know why but he calls her name. It’s stupid, so, so stupid. But he needs to be sure. He needs to know. Even if she hurts him again, he needs to have the answer. Surprised, the woman turns around, but before she could see him, Kun is dragged away. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing Kun” says Sicheng, an angry expression paint on his face “Did you forget the plan? We were almost done!”

Starting to run a little, he speaks in his mic.

“Abort the mission. We had a problem”

Kun tries and struggles to get away but Sicheng doesn’t let him go. He tightens his catch on his harm and when they’re in an empty corridor, still running not to get caught, he turns to him, eyes narrowed. Kun can’t stop but think that his scar seems to pop out when he’s angry.

“I don’t know what you think you saw out there” he says “and I don’t want to know, but our mission was far more important”

Yeah. Yeah, Kun screwed up, like always. But at least he had his answer.

-

Sitting at the back of the cafeteria, Kun plays with his food. He’s not hungry but he needs to force himself to eat. Closing his eyes, he rethinks about what happened after they failed the mission. About what he did.

Hyolyn tried to speak to him in the SUV, tried to understand what happened in there but he couldn’t speak. Or more: he didn’t want to speak. He didn’t want them to know or be worried or think he was crazy. More importantly, he didn’t want them to freak out if they knew, because they would have locked him up underground until death came and took him away. So, he stayed silent, looking out the window, memories playing before his eyes.

He told Hyolyn he would do a written statement, once they reached the agency. He didn’t want to participate in the meeting, didn’t want to see the anger and disbelief in everyone’s’ eyes, didn’t want to hear their questions. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t bear it. He knew he let them down big time and he hated himself enough already. He didn’t need more hate at the moment.

Not looking at anyone, he went inside, right to his room. But Hyolyn didn’t see it this way and followed him, harassing him with questions and asking for answers he couldn’t say at loud, couldn’t even put sense to. He wanted her to go away and leave him alone and he wanted to deal with all of this on his own, but she just kept being on his back, talking sweet, sweet words that he hated. He wanted to hit her so bad he almost let his anger take over.

“I said I’ll write it down!” he screamed, turning to her.

He pushed her against the wall, hitting it, just a couple of centimeters away from her face. God, he really wanted to punch her in the face. Her small face, her too perfect of a face. The pain he felt in his hand calmed him down, helped him reconnect with reality. And he wanted to feel more of that. As he was going to hit the wall again, firm hands took him away.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

Turning face to face with Yukhei, they stared at each other for a while, competing. Kun had difficulties to breath but the pain in his lungs and hand gave him some kind of relief, pleasure, even.

“What happened to you Kun?”

The question took him by surprise. What happened to him? Everything. Everything happened to him. There was nothing he didn’t feel, saw, experiment, did. And that was a problem. A big, big problem.

He comes back to reality when someone sits in front of him. Blinking, he looks at Johnny.

“You weren’t at the meeting” his friend says.

Simply nodding, Kun takes a bite of his food. It tastes like nothing and he doesn’t know why he bothers eating when he knows he will vomit it after anyway. They stay in silence for a while before Kun can’t take it any longer.

“You’re right not to trust me” he says, a sad smile on his face “I came to that realization too. I can’t be trusted. With anything”

“We trust you Kun” says Johnny, but the look in his eyes is telling something else.

Kun leans in his chair, sighing and smiling at the same time. He finds this situation funny, for some reason.

“I am not mad though. I am just… done”

He’s done. Tired. Fed up. He’s tired of being scolded, looked down, treated like a child, an idiot. He’s tired of himself. Tired of his incapacity, tired of being useless to others. People here gave him so much, more than he could ever have dreamed of, but all he does is take. He takes again and again, insatiable. But he can’t give anything in return. And when he tries, he fails.

So why bother and do things he knows he won’t be able to accomplish? He has nothing to offer. What can someone like him give to people like them? He doesn’t even know why they persist on keeping him with them. Things would be a lot easier if they just left him on his own.

“I won’t bother helping you guys anymore” he continues, looking up at Johnny “I only make mistakes anyway. You don’t need me”

“Don’t say that” whispers Johnny, sadness fulling his eyes.

Slightly smiling, Kun blinks. He wants to take Johnny’s hand and tell him that everything will be alright, but that would be a lie. Things will keep on getting worst and he doesn’t want to be responsible for any of it. He did too much damage already. So it’s better if he backs off before he does worse.

“I need you” continues Johnny, shaking his head.

“Not as much as I need you”

This revelation kills him a little more, but he has to face reality. Johnny is strong, independent, confident. He has everything. Kun, him, is just a burden. To him and everyone. He’s a burden for himself. Feeling tears coming out, he gets up. He can’t stay here. Walking out the cafeteria, he lets the tears fall, tasting their salt for the last time. Because this is the last time he allows himself to be weak.

___________________

The following days, Kun stayed in the agency but spent most of his time with Chenle. They played a lot, trained and Kun helped him, much without his will, to find out his ability. Turns out that Chenle can control electricity. They discovered this when, by accident, Chenle knocked him out while they were playing skipping.

The discharge was so powerful that Kun felt like dying. Chenle cried for two days after that. He was afraid and felt incredibly guilty for what he’s done but Kun didn’t care about being hurt. About the pain. In fact, he was happy he had been the one Chenle attacked. Where he survived, someone else, another kid in particular, could have died.

Chenle was scared to hurt him again and refused to touch him but Kun was patient and talked to him, reassuring, telling him that it was normal to be afraid but he had to be strong in order to not hurt other people in the future. Especially the ones he cared about.

It took a moment, but, at some point, Chenle let his guard down and hugged Kun. Hugged him like he was his lifeline. The young man knew what the boy was feeling, because he was him, once. He too had been afraid and confused and hated ~~-still does-~~ his ability. So he told himself he would do anything to help Chenle grow up well and safe. He wanted to do that for at least one person.

During this time, Johnny tried to reach out to him, then Yukhei and Sicheng, but Kun never let them. He kept a mental wall so that Johnny couldn’t talk to him, ignored Yukhei and Sicheng when they would sit at his table during lunch time, would stop coming to training sessions. He also knew Taeyong wanted to kill him, by the way he looked at him when they would walk pass each other in the corridors.

Kun wasn’t surprised though. How could a dog let someone hurt its master? Talking about master, Kun would never see Hyolyn in the corridors or the playrooms with the kids, like she used to do. He knew it was because of him. And he didn’t feel anything about it. Not even a slight of pain.

-

One morning, while Kun was running away from Sicheng, he felt a hand grabbing his shirt and pushing him against the wall. Surprised, he let out a soft scream. Blinking, he noticed Ten standing in front of him, eyes sharped, mouth forming a thin line. He was in trouble. Tightening his grip, Ten looked right into his eyes.

“You stay still and you listen to what I’m going to say”

Taking a step back, Ten scratched his neck. Kun tried to move, not wanting to deal with him, but his body refused to obey him. It was like he was glued to the ground. Trapped. Shivering, he stared at Ten. He obviously was the one doing this to him, whatever it was. And he didn’t like it. Trying to move again, he stayed completely still. Groaning, he closed his eyes.

“What did you do to me?”

It’s silent for a few seconds before Kun can hear Ten sighs.

“I am simply trying to have your attention”

And to do that, he was using his ability. It clicked in Kun’s head, then. Back in time, he didn’t understand why, when Somin killed herself, Johnny called for Ten’s help, but he remembers his outstretched arm now, like he was trying to touch her. Because that’s what he wanted to do. Touch her. Make her not hurt herself.

“You control people” Kun whispered.

“I hate to do this to you” Ten said “but we need to have a little chat you and me and that was the only option left since you run away all the damn time”

Clinching his jaws, Kun looked away. He didn’t want to talk to Ten, nor anyone, because he made up his mind already, and he didn’t want to turn around again.

“Look, we don’t know each other very well” Ten began, looking at him “but we’re still a team. You can’t run away from it, not even after what happened”

As he spoke, his voice got softer. Like he was talking to a child.

“I don’t know if you blame yourself, and I don’t want to know” he continues “but it doesn’t matter. You need to have your shit together and start acting instead of hiding and playing victim”

Angry, Kun glanced at the other boy. Who did he think he was to talk to him like this? Being faced with the truth is often unpleasant and hurtful, Kun knew it. And being the one in this position was even more unpleasant.

“I don’t know a lot about you, only rumors and whispers, but from that, I can guess what kind of person you are”

“And what kind of person am I?”

Kun’s question lost itself in the silence. The two boys kept looking at each other. He could see hesitation in Ten’s eyes, but also determination.

“You’re a coward”

Swallowing, Kun blinked. His chest began to hurt, his mind went blank.

“But you’re also destructive. Dangerous, if you listen to vipers”

Yeah. Yeah, Kun fucking was. That’s exactly why he was running away and hiding. But people didn’t get that.

“I personally don’t care about what people say about you. They probably don’t know you. _I_ don’t know you. But I still want to be there for you and everyone in this place. So let me, and your friends, be there. Accept the help you’re given and work on your issues. Don’t erase them because it would only make them stronger”

He was right, of course, Kun knew that, but he did his best to avoid the truth. Because yes, he was a coward, he was scared, he was hiding behind his ability, but he did that only because everytime he tried and did something, he screwed up. He hurt and killed and went crazy. He was tired of doing that.

“We don’t hate you Kun” whispers Ten, looking almost tired “Some people need you around”

-

The next day, when Yukhei and Sicheng sat at his table, Kun didn’t move. He stayed still, eating in silence, but it was a beginning. When Johnny’s turned arrived, he hated it as much as he loved it. Kun was so vulnerable around him, and he abhorred it. His friend had the power to make him flinch with just a blink of an eye, so when he went to him, with no hesitation in his eyes, Kun just let him hug him.

And he hugged him back. Because he needed this. He needed to feel Johnny against him, his arms tugging him close. He wanted to detach himself from him, be more independent and less like a little dog, but at that moment, he allowed himself to be weak. He was weak because he knew one day this will be gone, and he would be left alone.

A couple of days later, Kun joins the other boys for a walk through town. They had nothing to do, so they decided to go out and appreciate the sunny day. Even though it’s still a little awkward and tense at times (mostly for Kun), the mood is good.

Kun is glad the boys didn’t keep any grudge against him. Or at least, he’s glad they didn’t show it. He’s also happy to be able to enjoy some free time. Being outside is a blessing. Feeling the fresh air and the sun on his skin feels good after so long underground.

Kun is walking beside Sicheng. They’re not talking, but the silence isn’t uncomfortable. Sicheng didn’t make any comment nor did he look at him weird once they stared hanging out again. But Sicheng’s always been the silent one, not putting his nose where it didn’t belong, so it was no surprise to Kun.

Smiling to himself, glancing at the ground, Kun notices that his laces are undone. Stopping, he bends over in order to tie them, when he feels pushed. And before he knew it, he was swallowed. 

_There’s a little boy running after a ball in the street. Johnny, Yukhei, Ten and Sicheng are here too. They don’t seem to notice him. They’re just walking. It’s a beautiful day. It’s sunny and bright. People are living. And then there’s a car. A loud horn. The same little boy is stopped from running, looking at his left. Screams. And a dead body._

Coming back, Kun gasps. His entire body hurts, shakes, feels like he was drove over. Blinking, he looks up at the little boy making his way over the road. Still running. Still going to his death. Getting up, Kun takes a few steps forward.

“Don’t! You’re going to…”

But he shuts up. He can’t. Closing his eyes for a second, he still sees the little boy running after his ball. Directly under the wheels of a car. And there’s nothing he can do about it.

“Kun?”

Sicheng’s voice sounds hushed. As if Kun was under water. But he’s here, breathing air, staring at a little boy whose life will end in just a few seconds. He’s strangely calm inside. No boiling blood, no adrenaline, no fear. Just emptiness. He accepted this death and will let it go. Like it’s supposed to be. Turning to Johnny, he begs him, with his eyes, not to do anything. _Let the boy die_ , he says. _Let him die. Let’s just walk away_.

“Yukhei, save the boy”

Johnny’s voice is firm, his face closed. He seems mad. Almost disgusted. Kun wildly opens his eyes. No. They can’t save him. He _has_ to die. He turns to Yukhei, ready to beg him not to move but he’s already gone. Screaming his name, Kun starts running after him, even though it’s a lost cause. Yukhei’s a speeder. Kun isn’t. But this doesn’t stop him from running as fast as he can. Running to stop him, running to feel something, running to light his conscience. Kun’s vision is blurry, like the world around him disappeared and all he can see is just a point in front of him.

It happens in a blink of an eye. One second, the kid is in front of the car, the next, he’s in Yukhei’s arms. Kun stops running, staring at the kid, then starring at Yukhei. He can’t believe this happened. Blinking, he shakes his head. He feels dizzy. Nauseous. He falls on his knees.

“You’re ok kiddo?” asks Yukhei, gentle.

The little boy nods, surprised and mostly confused. Looking up at Yukhei and Kun, he searches for some kind of explanation.

“You should be careful when crossing the road” Yukhei continues “it’s dangerous with all these cars you know”

Helping him getting up, he tells him to stay here while he crosses the road and catches the ball for him. A few moments later, the kid turns back and runs away. Still on his knees, Kun looks at him. He’s angry, but there’s nothing he can do now. What’s done can’t be undone. Sadly. Getting up, Kun doesn’t look at anyone, shoulders straight, body slightly shaking. He starts walking away when a hand stops him.

“What was that about?” asks Johnny “Why did you try to stop him? Why did you want the kid to die so bad?”

_It’s not like you_. Kun smirks at the last words. Not like him _. Not_ like _him_. It’s funny. Funny because he’s always been like this. Always been selfish and self-protecting but he’s been hiding it so well that even his closest friends didn’t know that. Johnny, from all people, should have known, with all the mind reading he does. He should have known.

But maybe he just chose to ignore it, pretend like it was nothing. Like he always does. Kun thought that he would know better. They’ve known each other for six years now, they’ve shared things, lived things, but yet, Johnny doesn’t know him.

“This kid you just saved was supposed to die” Kun speaks, eyes empty “My role isn’t to save people Johnny. It’s to guide them to death”

_And I’ve always been like that. You’ve just chosen not to see it_. On that, ignoring the confused and choked faces of the other boys, he walks away.

This little boy didn’t die today, as he should have. And now, someone else will pay for this.

-

_Those who have to die, must die._

-

_Sitting on the cold ground, there’s a little boy. His mother is reading a story to him. A story about monsters and angels fighting. Fighting over life. Fighting over death. Defending it. Taking it. The little boy hates that story. It scares him. He hates death. He hates monsters and angels. He hates the violence in his mothers’ voice._

_Her voice is a simple whisper, yet it’s loud. So loud. Monsters and angels are fighting, they fly around him, scream, groan, kill. When he looks up, his mother is nowhere to be found. Getting up, he looks around. And finally, he sees her. She’s running to him._

_“Protect the balance Kun!”_

_Her voice is barely standing up in all the other noises. He blinks, doesn’t know what to do. He’s scared and wants to go home and drink milk and play with the other kids. His mother is still running to him._

_“Protect it!”_

It’s been three days. Four nights. And nightmares. Voices. Painful heart. Empty stomach. Dark circles. Worried friends. Kun feels nauseous most of the time. He doesn’t talk much. Stays in his bed most of the time and looks at everybody like it’s the last time he sees them. That might be.

He’s lost weight. He doesn’t care. And Johnny is losing his mind. Once, during lunch time, he couldn’t take it anymore. He asked question, explanations, words. But Kun would remind silent. 

“For fuck sakes Kun!” Johnny finally shouted “what is happening to you?”

His voice was shaking, his hands made into fits. _Please just talk to me_. Tired of hearing him speak, tired of being out, Kun opened up.

“This time, you’re the one who messed up”

“What?”

Sighing, Kun shook his head. He wanted to sleep so bad.

“You messed up when you decided it was up to you to save that little boy the other day. And now I have to suffer the consequences”

-

Jeno is the only one Kun accepts next to him. He’s silent and doesn’t care about anything. He doesn’t ask question, doesn’t want answers. All he’s interested in is his video games and food. Kun is so, so grateful to have a friend like that.

They talk a little. About the outside world. About the new kids who just arrived. About NARSA. Hyuna joins them from time to time. She never stays for long, enough to stop his headache but the pain and dizziness always come back. It won’t leave until someone dies.

The next morning, eating breakfast, Kun is waiting for Jeno to arrive. It’s been half an hour already, and this is not like Jeno to be late. He’s always punctual. Worried, Kun gets up and walks to Hyuna.

“Where’s Jeno?”

Looking up at him, she shakes her head. She hasn’t seen him yet either. Kun then walks to Irene, asks her the same question. But same answer. Jeno is not here yet. No one saw him. And that’s not normal. Heart biting fast, he walks out of the cafeteria, pushes a random guard and starts running to Jeno’s room. It might be nothing, nothing at all, but he has a bad feeling about this. He needs to be sure, see it with his own eyes.

Opening Jeno’s bedroom door, he enters. Breathless. No one’s here. It’s empty. Frowning, he gets out and stars looking everywhere. He finds Jeno leaving Hyolyn’s office, twenty minutes later. Looking at him, Jeno leans his head.

“What’s going on dude? Missed me that much?”

-

_A man is standing in front of him. He’s wearing a suit. A beautiful suit. He looks at him with so gentle eyes. Soft, tender, nostalgic. His dark hair is falling in his eyes. It clashes with the suit. But it doesn’t matter. What matters is the incredible pain he feels in his chest, the incredible amount of love he feels. Love that torn him apart. It’s as if he could die by just looking at the man. And it feels like it._

_“You did great Kun” says the man._

_His voice is warm and Kun wants to scream but he can’t, he can’t, he’s just able to stand here and do nothing. He lost his voice. His ability to move. His will to live. All he wants is to join him, run to him, hug him, feel his arms around his waist again. Again, again, again._

_“Be strong”_

_He sees him then. Jeno. His Jeno. Standing behind him, a little smile on his face. Waving._

What Kun was so afraid of, happened. It happened the next day, at exactly 4 in the afternoon. When he first saw it, he didn’t think it was real. He just imagined it was his mind playing tricks on him. He has been so tired lately that having hallucinations wasn’t surprising. It was common, even. But when he woke up in the morning, he was fine. Unusually fine.

He slept very well, didn’t feel dizzy nor nauseous anymore. He felt _good_. He should have known it wasn’t a good omen. He should have known that when he feels good, when he feels _that_ good, something bad always happens. Always. It didn’t miss this time either.

Standing in front of the open door, Kun stares at the ground. He doesn’t see anything though. Doesn’t feel his body. Doesn’t think his heart is still beating. It’s funny because he knew this would happen. He knew because something similar took place in the past. It’s not the first time he experiences something like this. But the feeling. God, the _feeling_. It hits you in the most painful way. There’s so much pain in him. So much pain. Pain, pain, pain, everywhere. How is he still alive and standing up when all he is is just pain? He lives pain. Breathes pain. Eats pain. Sleeps pain.

He doesn’t notice it, but there’s a smile on his face. It’s little, but here. For real. It’s real like Jeno’s body on the ground. It’s real like the marks on the walls only he can see _. THE BALANCE HAS BEEN BROKEN_ , it says. _THOSE WHO HAVE TO DIE, MUST DIE_. It’s real. Too real. It’s real like the white in Jeno’s eyes. It’s real like the paler tone of his skin. He looks like a ghost, Kun thinks. Funny.

Like a robot, he sighs. Closes the door. Walks toward Hyolyn’s office. The smile is still here.

Hyolyn’s office is noisy when he enters. He didn’t knock. What’s the use? Looking at no one but the book on his left, he stays still. If someone saw him, he didn’t know. He can’t stop blinking. He feels like he’s in a dream. A very hilarious one.

“He’s dead”

It’s just a whisper but he feels like he screamed it. He’s out of breath but full of air at the same time. He’s cold but his blood is boiling. He’s still but feels like running. Silence is everywhere around him. He laughs, slightly. Saying it makes it even funnier. Oh _God_ , he thinks. He’s _dead_. Dead, dead, dead. He can’t control the giggles anymore. He laughs so much it hurts his chest but he can’t stop, can’t stop, can’t control anything anymore.

“He…he’s…. dead” he manages to say in between laughter.

Jesus. This situation is so, so, so funny. He falls on his knees, cheeks hurting from smiling too much.

“Jeno’s…. dead”

-

He’s back here again. The morgue. But this time, it’s not Somin’s dead body placed on the table. It’s Jeno’s. Kun didn’t cry. He can’t. The tears simply won’t come out. Maybe he doesn’t have any left. Maybe his body is too dry to create them.

He’s under water again. Alone.

His cheeks hurt.

He’s lost most of his friends during his life. They all died. Killed. Taken away from him. He’s used to it. Death. Solitude. He knows it better than anything. But it still hurts him when it happens. Why does it still hurt?

But he doesn’t cry when friends die anymore.

He’s so good at suppressing feelings now. So, so good. So good he doesn’t know or notice what he feels when he feels them. Is it fear? Is it happiness? Is it anxiety? Who cares?

Hyolyn’s hand is on his shoulder. She squeezes it. Shaking slightly. He can sense her eyes on him, but he can’t look at her. Not yet.

“I had a child” she whispers.

Kun frowns. He never knew that. Never thought of her as a mother.

“Her name was Lily”

_Lily_. Oh, he knew that name.

“She looked just like me” she smiles, her voice still very low “Black hair, brown eyes, big smile”

Completely turning to him, she caresses his face. A touch full of so much love it burns him.

“We didn’t plan on rescuing you that night, six year ago” she continues, nostalgia in her voice “I was only there to get my Lily back. Save her from them”

But Lily was already dead. He knows. He knows because he saw her bleeding out from her stomach, looking right at him as she died.

“But then, I couldn’t find her and I knew” she breathes “I _knew_ I was too late. And then I saw all the other kids. I saw you”

Getting closer, she pushes her forehead on his shoulder.

“You became my child that night”

He doesn’t know why she’s telling him that, but he’s glad. He’s glad because he finally has an answer as to why he survived. And he needs the distraction. He needs to think about something that isn’t death.

“I am not your child Hyolyn. And I will never be” he says back “You don’t need to protect me”

She giggles a little. He never heard her do that. She’s the boss after all. She has to be tough and strong for those who can’t be. She needs to keep this firm and unbothered image. But with him, she was always so _vulnerable_. And now he knows why. He knows why it was so simple to have permissions, missions, extra food, an apartment, no bodyguards. He became what she’s lost.

“Of course I do Kun. I have to”

She takes a step back, tears in her eyes that won’t fall.

“Protecting people is what I’ve always done I and can’t stop now”

Finally, he turns to her. Looks at her in the eyes. He sees so much pain and hesitation and she’s lost in all of this mess. She’s lost and doesn’t know how to make things better.

“I have to do better” she says to herself. Then, at him “Please, forgive me”

He was never angry at her. He was just pretending. At least he thinks he did.

“At one condition”

Hyolyn shivers at his words but doesn’t break eye contact. Taking a step back, Kun breathes in and out, deeply.

“Let me take my own decisions. Don’t put your nose where it doesn’t belong. Don’t try and stop me from doing whatever I think is good for me”

Taking a step back, he glances at Jeno.

“You have to let me go”


	4. #4

His mom used to tell him about a legend involving angels and death. Usually, when people think of angels, they associate them with life and light and purity. But in his mothers’ mouth, angels were vile and destructive. They weren’t bringing life, but death. They would guide you to it. They would tell you how to die and you had no other choice but die the way they wanted you to. That’s what Kun is. An angel. At least, that’s what is mother called him.

“My angel” she would whisper in his ears, when she believed he was asleep. “My sweet, sweet angel. Here to conquer and kill”.

She would say it with a weird tone in her voice. Like she was disgusted by her son but still loved him, somewhere, somehow. And she manipulated him into believing he truly deserved the torture. He believed he was a horrible thing, that he needed to be treated, cured, saved, so that his mother would be at peace again. But all she did was lie. She lied and didn’t listen to him when he begged. She lied and smiled at him while he was being tortured.

He didn’t want to be an angel. He simply wanted to be _human_. Simply wanted to be a child.

There’s no angel of death or angel of life, she would tell him. There’s just power and control.   


-

It’s a weird feeling to keep on going, Kun thinks. It’s a weird feeling to move on and to continue living. It’s a weird feeling to live when someone you cared about died. It’s also unfair. Someone died, someone who was part of your life died, but somehow, you continue to live. You live like they were never there. Like you never shared anything with them. Like you never knew them.

Kun doesn’t like that feeling. It feels wrong to live. It feels wrong to not talk to them, to not eat with them, to not feel them anymore. In simple words, life after death feels wrong. And even when you’re used to it, it’s always the same. Always.

Jeno’s death made a lot of noise. People were talking about him, about what happened, about the consequences. How could someone die _inside_ the walls? Usually, people die _outside_ , where it can’t be seen. This place is a sanctuary, a refuge, somewhere people can feel secured and taken care of. But Jeno didn’t die outside, like he was supposed to. He died in his room, where people could see and witness what death really was about. It’s ugly, real and scary.

Kun didn’t listen to them, mostly because they were saying bullshits over bullshits. They weren’t there, didn’t see it happen, didn’t even _know_ who Jeno was or what he looked like, but they had things to say. Gossip, gossip and gossip and gossip again. All over the place. People couldn’t talk and think and wonder about anything else. Jeno here, Jeno there, Jeno everywhere.

Kun was angry. Why would they talk about him now that he was dead when all they did when he was alive was disrespecting and ignoring him? Always mocking him, always being uncomfortable around him, always calling him a weirdo because his ability to socialize and have empathy wasn’t the best.

It became so unbearable Kun had to leave. He had to come back to his apartment. To the silence of his room and the noises of the city. He returned to class too, after what seems like years of absence. He didn’t really care about it anymore. It was mostly a way to clean his head and think about something that wasn’t death. But it didn’t matter, apparently. Because death would follow him every step of the way, every minute of his fucking life. He was death itself, Kun thought. He was death itself and he had to embrace it.

He would wear gloves now. He would wear gloves so that he wouldn’t have those visions ever again. Those damn fucking horrible visions.

The only good thing that is happening to him is the nightmares. Or, more specifically, the absence of nightmares. He’s so tired that most night, he doesn’t dream about anything. He doesn’t feel like he’s getting any type of rest, but it’s nice to wake up without screaming and being covered in sweat.

Johnny sleeps with him at night. Hugging him tight. Kun didn’t talk to him about what happened to Jeno. He just showed it to him, in his mind. He replayed the moment he saved the little boy and what it caused. He made him understand that he had Jeno’s death on his hands. If Kun had to live with the memories, he wouldn’t be the only one, he decided. It wasn’t his fault, but Johnny’s, and he made sure the other boy knew it.

Johnny fell on his knees once, begging, crying. They were in the kitchen. It was early in the morning. Kun was replaying Jeno’s death on his mind. For the thousandth time. He knew Johnny was in his head again, because he’s been reading him since that day. Kun knew Johnny was seeing it just like him. And he started shaking, hands into fists.

“Stop it” he murmured, head falling.

“Stop what?” Kun wondered, playing innocent.

“Please, Kun, stop it”

“Stop what?”

Johnny turned to him. Jaw tensed. Exhaustion in his eyes. But it wasn’t enough.

“Stop what you’re doing”

“What am I doing?”

It was a funny thing to do, Kun thought. Funny to see someone else feel what he felt his entire, miserable life. It felt good not to be the helpless one for once.

“KUN”

The scream took him by surprise. Johnny _never_ screams. And he never cries easier, but yet, here he was, tears unstoppable, falling like rain on a storm day. He was crying like Kun never saw him cry and if he still had a heart, it would have break. 

“I am sorry” Johnny said, in between blips “I am sorry, I am so sorry”

Then, he was on his knees and palms, face looking down, body shaking. “I am sorry” he said, “I know I screwed up” he said after, “I didn’t know” and “Please forgive me”. Kun simply kept on looking at him, eyes empty. Johnny didn’t know about the balance, it’s true. He didn’t know the rules of the game, but he should have listened to Kun, should have trust him.

Kun didn’t like seeing Johnny like this. He hated it, even. But someone was dead, one of his _friends_. And he had to suffer for it.

But the need to make him pay disappeared after that. The same night, they had sex. Or more like, Kun wanted to have sex. He wanted to lose himself. And Johnny was too zoned out to make any kind of protest. It wasn’t sweet. Nor soft. Nor incredible like it can be. It was nasty. And quick. And full of so, so much desperation. Neither of them really enjoyed it. But it was done. And they were back to normal.

-

After a week, the odd feeling of being followed yet again makes an appearance. Kun can’t put his fingers on it, but he’s almost certain that NARSA has him followed. Or maybe it’s his mother, since she seemed to appear quite often those pass few weeks. He hates it. He hates this feeling of insecurity, whenever he goes. He hates not being able to defend himself. Or more like he hates the fact that he doesn’t trust himself.

He talked about it to Johnny, of course, and since then, he’s been around him 24/7. Yukhei and Ten take turns, too. Kun likes Yukhei. He’s nice and funny and he doesn’t care about anything. He’s just here to have a good time and that’s something Kun might be jealous of, if he’s being honest. Because he doesn’t really know what “a good time” is. What being happy, selfless, careless and simply free means.

Ten is the same, except he’s more reserve when around him. Maybe he doesn’t trust him, and to be honest, Kun doesn’t blame him. Though they talk, sometimes, because silence is too loud. It gets easier. They’re not friends, probably never will be, but they’re still casual. And that’s nice. Kun isn’t really the kind to make friends, or the kind to want friends, so it’s fine by him if Ten feels the same way.

On the other hand, Kun _really_ likes spending time with Sicheng. God, does he like it. The man is like a ghost. Silent, discreet, almost invisible. Kun wonders if being invisible is his ability. Because he never saw him use his ability, so all he can do is guess. They don’t talk that much, mostly exchange glances and little smiles. Kun feels safe with him, and that’s strange, because he doesn’t feel safe with anyone except Johnny.

But Sicheng has something in him. Something more, something that links them, somehow, Kun thinks. It’s like they’re the same but still different. Like they complete each other. He wants to know more about him, about what he’s capable of, about what he thinks and wants, but he doesn’t dare ask questions. He’s never been good at it. He also doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Because he knows what it’s like to not wanting to share.

-

They talked, eventually, one night. He and Sicheng. They were walking through a skate park a few weeks after Jeno’s death. It was cold, but Kun didn’t pay attention to it. They sat on a bench when they got tired of moving around. Kun was hungry. He hadn’t been eating for two days and it began to show. They didn’t say anything for a while, simply watched kids play around. Their laughs filled the air.

Kun wondered what it felt like to have a normal childhood. He wondered what it felt like to live without abilities. He wondered if he would have been happier being a simple human. Sometimes, he wished to not have been born. Or at least, been born normal. Those kids, they probably didn’t know their chance. They probably didn’t appreciate their life enough. They probably didn’t know how fucking lucky they were to not be part of this world. Kun hated them. He hated them for what they represented, for what he could never have, never be, for what he could die for.

Sicheng must have felt his anger, because he gently put his hand on his knee. Kun didn’t look at him, didn’t move. Normally, he would have jumped out from the touch. He would have spit words. But he didn’t. He didn’t move his leg, simply because the warm he felt at the sensation of his hand on his knee made him feel at peace. It calmed him.

Slowly, starting from his leg, then his stomach, shoulders and neck, a warm feeling made its way. Kun closed his eyes, letting the sensation take over everything else. He didn’t feel the cold anymore. It was just warm and peace.

It didn’t vanish when Sicheng took off his hand but the emptiness on his knee made him frown. They glanced at each other, not saying any word. They stayed here until all the kids disappeared, leaving them alone in the dark. Shivering, Kun looked at the sky. There were no stars in it.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Sicheng’s voice surprised him. Kun turned his face towards him, eyebrows raised.

“Sure”

“That day, when you said your role was to guide people to death, you were talking about your ability, right?”

Staring at the sky again, Kun kept his breathe in. He should have known that, sooner or later, people would start asking question. Sooner or later, people _need_ answers. Sooner or later, people get tired of secrets and lies. Kun expected it to take longer, especially with Sicheng, but guessed it was time to speak.

“Yeah” he murmured, but he knew Sicheng heard him.

“How does it work?”

This, Kun didn’t know how to explain. How to explain that when he touches someone for the first time, he sees their death? He sees it _, feels_ it, knows when it’s gonna happen. How to explain that he can never forget the death he saw? How to explain he died a hundred of times already because every vision he had made him feel like it? How to explain that seeing people die is a curse he has to live with because he has no other choice but let death take people away?

He could say this. He perfectly could say this like that, but he knew he would sound crazy. Every time he talked about it to someone, in the end, they feared him. Feared him because if he ever touched them, he would know something no one wants to know. It’s scary to know how you die. It’s scary to even think that one day, you’ll be dead. An empty corpse. And he didn’t blame them. He didn’t want to know how he’ll die, either. He didn’t want someone to tell him how and when and where his life will be over.

He stayed silent for a time. Thinking. He knew that Sicheng wouldn’t judge him. He wouldn’t say anything. He would simply listen, like he always did. But even with knowing that, Kun found it hard to open up.

“I burnt someone alive once”

Kun blinked. Turned to Sicheng. His face was even more blank than usual. His hands were made into fits. His jaw was tensed. Kun stared at him for the longest time, not sure he understood what Sicheng meant by that. Then, Sicheng opened one of his hand, little flames appearing on top of his fingers. Wildly opening his eyes, Kun breathed in. There was fire on Sicheng’s fingers. Real fire, dancing to the wind. And then, he understood. The warm feeling he felt earlier, after the touch, wasn’t just an impression, but _actual_ hotness.

“It was an accident” Sicheng continued, looking at his fingers “I didn’t mean it, but I was so-so angry. I was angry all the time because I was scared and confused by my ability. I couldn’t control it either”

He smiled to himself, coldly. Kun stayed silent, listening to his voice. He didn’t move, couldn’t move, wanted to know more. So, so, so much more.

“I got into an argument with my boyfriend. We were arguing over a stupid broken glass. A _fucking broken glass_ , Kun. And I snapped” his voice broke a little at this, but he cleared his throat and kept going “I snapped and throwed flames at him. He died in front of my eyes”

Sicheng paused after this. Swallowing, tensing his jaw again. His hands were trembling. At that exact moment, he looked vulnerable. At that exact moment, Kun could see the broken kid he was. He could see the anger, the pain, the fear, the guilt. He could see himself.

“You know what’s funny about this?” Sicheng asked, turning to him.

Kun shook his head, eyes locked into Sicheng’s.

“I didn’t feel anything” he said, a cold laugh escaping his mouth “I didn’t feel any regret, any guilt, any pleasure. I was-I was neutral. About all this. I didn’t care that my boyfriend was screaming in pain. I didn’t care that I was killing him”

And Kun knew. He knew why he felt so close to Sicheng, so comfortable, so unashamed. Because Sicheng knew. He knew how he felt, what he was thinking, how he hated himself and how scared he was.

Kun was right. They were the same.

“I am scared” Kun whispered “I am so very scared of who I am”

Sicheng’s eyes soften, just a bit. Slowly, he took Kun’s hand in his. The warm was there again.

“I know”

Kun looked at their hands. He would have had a vision if he didn’t wear gloves, he thought. He would have seen how Sicheng would die. But he didn’t, and he was relieved.

“I see death” he says, still looking down “when I touch people, I see how they die, when they die and I _feel_ it” looking up at Sicheng, he swallowed “you can’t imagine how often I died in my life already”

-

The same night, the walk home is silent. As always. They don’t talk because there’s no use to. As Kun suspected, Sicheng didn’t say anything after he told him about his ability. He just nodded and hold his hand until all became calm again and they were too tired to stay outside. Kun is alone tonight, Johnny being gone for a mission. It doesn’t bother him. Lately, he finds himself needing some alone time. More than usual. Stopping in front of his building’s doors, Kun turns to Sicheng. They stare at each other.

“Thank you for walking me home”

Sicheng nods slightly. Their eyes don’t break apart. None of them move. They simply look at each other for a while. The temperature goes up, suddenly, and Kun feels his stomach twisting, and his heart beating faster. Somehow, they’re closer now.

“You should go in”

Sicheng’s voice is low, almost raw, and Kun loves it. Loves how it makes his blood boil.

“Yeah, I should”

But they still don’t move. In fact, they get closer and closer, until their foreheads almost touch, their torso almost brush against each other and Kun swears he can feel Sicheng’s hands on him and god, _god_ , he wants him. He wants him touching him, kissing him, biting him, guiding him.

When they kiss, it feels like the nicest dream. It’s hard, more teeth than mouth, but Kun adores it. He groans when he’s pushed against the door, he groans when Sicheng presses his body against his, he groans when his lips travel to his neck. He feels like burning and maybe he’s burning but he doesn’t care at all. He will gladly burn if this meant being kissed like this again.

It seems like they wanted each other for a long time. It seems like this is all they waited for. As their hips brush, collapse and move, Kun loses his mind.

“We shouldn’t be doing this” breaths Sicheng, in between kisses.

“Shut up” Kun hisses, kissing him again.

Who cares if they should or shouldn’t do this? Who’s here to stop them? Who’s here to judge them? Kun wants this. He _needs_ this. And he doesn’t give a shit if this is bad or unprofessional or if this is going to end badly. Because right now, it feels good. It feels right and clear and perfect.

They take some time to get inside the apartment because they wouldn’t stop kissing. They wouldn’t stop touching and exploring and moaning. It’s messy and almost desperate. Desperate and almost painful. Sicheng’s skin is so pale he looks like a ghost in the dark room, and Kun swallows. He bends over and licks at his collar bones, licks his torso and kisses him some more.

Sicheng is hot, so, so, so hot and Kun feels like burning but _jesus_ does he love this. Loves the feeling of their skin touching. Loves the feeling of Sicheng’s hands grabbing his ass. Loves the way his hips rub against his.

As he leans back his head, giving better access for Sicheng to bit him, his eyes catch something by the window. Something that shouldn’t be there, but has been present for some time now.

There’s someone in the street again. Watching them.

-

Sitting at his usual table, in the back of the cafeteria, Kun eats slowly. Only Ten is here today. Yukhei and Sicheng are out and Johnny is training a new group of guards. Thinking about Sicheng reminds Kun of what they did, the other night, reminds him that when he woke up the next morning, he was alone in his bed. Reminds him that Sicheng’s been avoiding him since.

“I heard he was part of NARSA”

The words catch Kun’s attention. He stops eating, leans in his chair, slightly turns his head, listens.

“What? No way he was with them Mey, he never left the agency”

Turning completely, Kun stares at the two teenage girls speaking. They must be around 15, maybe 17, he can’t tell. Doesn’t care.

“It’s not because he never left that he couldn’t give them information” snaps back the so-called Mey “he was a weird one, remember?

“So being weird makes you a member of NARSA now? Come on Mey, stop saying bullshit”

“Jeno was in, I am sure of it”

It happens in a blink of an eye. One second, Kun is sitting at his table, the next, he’s pulling the girl’s hair, pouring his very hot coffee all over her face. Her disgusting face. He doesn’t even hear her scream. Leaning towards her ear, he whispers.

“Next time you want to vomit lies, make sure I am not around”

And on that, he turns away and goes straight to one of the practice rooms. Doesn’t even hear Ten calling him out. As he walks away, he punches a wall. He should have burned her.

_

  
  


Kun is angry. And when it happens, things tend to go bad. Not for him, but for others. Because what happened in the cafeteria was nothing compared to what he can do when he’s really pushed to his limits. People don’t talk about Jeno anymore now that they have something else to gossip about. They’re speaking about him and he prefers that. Prefers that people trash on him rather than on an innocent boy who did nothing wrong and died.

Kun is mad about this. Mad about this ridiculous death. Jeno wasn’t supposed to die. He was supposed to live and see things and grow up. He was supposed to find someone to be happy with, supposed to accomplish great things. But he never got to do that. And Kun hates it. He’s the one who’s supposed to be dead. He’s the one who’s supposed to leave this earth. He doesn’t belong here.

Why, he wonders, is it always the people that want to live who dies? And why is it always the people that want to die who lives?

-

He’s back to training again. He needs a way to exude all this anger and fighting is the best way he found. Most of the time, he’s alone in the practice room. Sometimes, when he has time, Johnny joins him and they fight. Hard. And real. When they’re together, they fight like their lives depend on it. They fight like the other is someone they’re supposed to kill. They’re not friends anymore. But rivals. And Kun loves that. Loves the adrenaline that runs through his veins.

Yukhei comes too. Sometimes, when Johnny is here too, they glance at each other. Kun knows they’re talking in their heads. He also knows Johnny cares about Yukhei. It’s so obvious it’s almost cringy. Kun doesn’t hate Yukhei for that. Why would he? Johnny isn’t his, never was, never will be. He’s rather happy that he found someone that makes him feel good. Because Kun never got to be that for him.

But he’s scared. He’s scared that Johnny will leave him, get tired of him, prefer Yukhei’s presence over his. He’s scared of all this when he has no reasons to. Because Johnny will die before he leaves him for someone else.

-

Kun is covered in sweat, panting and Sicheng is standing in front of him. They stare at each other for a long time. Kun won’t be the first one to speak. He won’t be the weak one. So he waits. He waits for Sicheng to break the silence and say something. Anything. Because Kun missed him. He hated that he missed him, but he still did and he feels miserable about it. Miserable for letting his guard down, for letting someone he barely knows touch him like that. He shouldn’t be feeling this way for someone he doesn’t know, he shouldn’t be feeling this way for someone that clearly doesn’t give a shit about him, nor respect him enough to tell him he didn’t want anything else than his ass in the first place.

“How are you?”

Kun smirks. How is he? He’s perfect. Never been better. Didn’t found his best friend’s dead body lying on the ground. Didn’t feel like he wanted to die every fucking minute of every fucking day. Didn’t want to fucking kill everyone in this shitty ass town. Didn’t get screwed by someone he blindly trusted to be treated like shit right after. Because that’s also a thing. The sex part. Kun doesn’t sleep with people. Ever. The only person he had sex with until now was Johnny. And he trusted him with his life. Then Sicheng appeared and made him feel less alone. They fucked. And he was alone again. So yeah, he’s perfectly fine.

“How do you think I feel?”

The words are archer than he wants them to be. He doesn’t want Sicheng to know how much he affected him. He doesn’t want to give him the power to hurt him. He doesn’t want him to be important. Kun might seem cold and unable to feel anything, he _tries_ so hard to be cold and unable to feel, but he’s a sensitive mess. He feels too much and sometimes it’s unbearable and he can’t deal with it. He pretends like nothing gets to him when every detail gets him in the bone. He cares. He cares so fucking much.

And things haven’t been easy lately. Things got so bad the only thing he could do was lock himself inside of his own brain to protect himself. All he thought of doing was escaping, disappear, forget about everything and start over. Kun had been wanting to be someone else for most of his life, been wanting to be normal and happy, like everybody outside. But he needs to come back to reality now.

“Look” Sicheng says, scratches his neck “about-about what happened between us…”

“Don’t worry about it” Kun cuts him, hands into fists “It didn’t mean anything”

Sicheng then looks at him in this weird way. This weird way that might look like he’s hurt and didn’t expect that. But Kun doesn’t pay attention to it, only focuses on not throwing up, focuses on his heart that hurt in such a strange way. 

“What do you mean it meant nothing?”

Sicheng breathes heavier now. Looks angry. And Kun doesn’t get why. Why is he angry when he was the one who left him alone, in the morning, without a word? Why is he angry when he was the one ignoring him for two weeks? Why is he angry when Kun was the one who got stepped on again?

“What, are you trying to say that it meant something to you?”

“Fuck yes it did!”

Kun blinks. Laughs coldly. He can’t believe this. Can’t believe this is actually happening to him. That’s why he never gets involve with anyone. It’s too complicated and it means things he doesn’t understand and then it means nothing anymore and then people get into fights.

“Why did you leave me then?” he shouts, out of breath “Why didn’t you say anything? Why did you ignore me for two weeks like I was some trash?”

Kun got closer while speaking, hands into fists. He wants to punch Sicheng, wants to hurt him, but he can’t. Because the look in Sicheng’s eyes stops him. Makes him shiver. It’s guilt, he thinks. Pure guilt. And he doesn’t comprehend it.

“I am sorry” Sicheng whispers, jaw tensed

“You’re sorry because I am calling you out, not because of what you’ve done”

And on that, Kun starts walking out of the room. But Sicheng grabs his arm and pulls him back. He touches him, Kun notices. He _touches_ him. Wildly opening his eyes, he tries to get out of Sicheng’s hold because he doesn’t want to have a vision, doesn’t want to see how he’ll die because he already saw too many people he cares about die. But he freezes, instead. He freezes and can’t move, can’t breathe. He lost his mind, he thinks.

He completely lost his mind because nothing happens. There’s no vision, no death. Nothing. And he remembers. He remembers that he didn’t have any vision when they slept together either. Sicheng touched him all over, touched his skin in the most vulnerable places, but death didn’t join them. He was so out of his mind that he didn’t even notice something that important.

And he’s scared. So fucking scared. And confused. Why didn’t he see anything? Why isn’t death coming? Why is Sicheng different?

“What are you?” Kun asks, voice shaking.

Sicheng lets him go, allows him to fall on the ground.

“I am Sicheng”

“NO”

Kun’s entire body is shaking and he can’t think straight and he wants Johnny here with him because he feels like the man standing in front of him will hurt him, hurt him, hurt him in the most awful way.

“What are you?” he repeats, eyes wild “Why can’t I see you die?”

He murmured this last part, but Sicheng heard him, he’s sure. He always does. Also sitting on the ground, Sicheng looks at him. Brushes his hands together.

“You can’t see it because it happened already”

Looking up, Kun stares at him. What does he mean it already happened? What happened? What is happening to him? To them? There’re tears falling on his face, but he doesn’t feel them. He tries to get up, tries to get out of this place, but his body is too weak to carry him. So he lets himself fall on the ground again, trying to swallow the panic away.

“I died, Kun”

The world is blank. The world is blank and angels are real. They take you to your death and make you die and sometimes, you come back alive. You die but continue living. Sicheng is a survivor. He lived death and came back when he wasn’t supposed to.

“Someone killed me” Sicheng says, in a sweet voice “They killed me but I came back because I wanted to fight more.”

There’re no sounds. Just Sicheng’s voice. They’re sitting. Staring. And Kun cries.

“There’s someone in Seoul” Sicheng says “There’s someone just like you that touched me one day and asked me if I died already because he couldn’t see anything either”

Kun can’t believe what Sicheng just told him, but the fact that he’s not alone, the fact that others like him exist makes the pain he felt for so long easier.

“So I am human Kun. I just came back to life”

-

One day, Kun asked Hyolyn is she knew about other people like him. He asked her if she had any information about his ability and other potential people like him. But she didn’t know. She believed that he was the only one of his kind because she never knew or never heard of such people before she met him. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t the only one and for the first time in his life, he felt like he was part of something bigger than just himself.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop imagining what it would feel like to meet another person like him. He feels weird to know this now. For his entire life, he thought he was unique and problematic and abnormal but it was all just a lie.

He shouldn’t be surprised. His mother always had a passion for lies and fake stories.

-

Yukhei is standing in front of him, hair wet, face frowned, hands in front of his head. They’ve been fighting for two hours now and Kun wants out but Yukhei won’t let him. So he fights. He punches and jumps and falls on the ground but his mind is far away from here. It’s in Seoul, with the other angel. It’s somewhere it belongs.

“Focus” Yukhei shouts, punching him on the nose.

“I am focused!” Kun snaps back.

But he’s not. He knows that. Yukhei knows that. Everyone in this room knows that. Sighing, Yukhei shakes his head, scratches the back of his neck.

“Let’s stop here” Johnny voices, behind him “You’re both tired”

Kun nods, happy to end this. He wants to take a shower, a long, long shower, to clean him from all his thoughts. He’s so lost in his own head that he forgets to pull his sleeves down when he leaves the room.

Walking through the corridors, he wonders how he could get in contact with the angel in Seoul, wonders if it’s a good idea to begging with. He should ask Sicheng, when he sees him. Ask him about the location and what he looks like and if he’s nice or if he’s a dick. Turning a corner, he doesn’t see Ten. Ten doesn’t see him. They bump into each other and Ten grabs his wrist at the last second, saving him from falling.

Gasping, Kun looks at Ten before the world turns black and becomes pain. There’s pain everywhere, in every corner of his body, in every nerve. He falls on the ground, convulses, drools.

And he thinks that, this time, he died for real.

-

When he wakes up, it’s all white. And bright. His body feels sore, tensed, unmovable. Blinking, he swallows but his mouth his pasty. He needs water. Trying to get up, he groans. His head hurts.

“Ten, he’s awake”

The voice seems to come from under water. Or maybe Kun himself is under water. Looking around, he finds Hyuna staring at him with sad eyes.

“Hey Kun” Ten says, sitting next to his bed “how are you feeling?”

“What-what happened?” he manages to ask.

Winces, he closed his eyes. His head hurts so much. Gentle hands circle his forehead, a warm feeling moving around his entire body. Sighing in relief, he smiles a little.

“You had a seizure”

Oh. No wonder he feels so terrible then.

“Did it happen because you touched me?” Ten asks right after, confusion in his eyes.

Swallowing, Kun closes his eyes for a second. How is he going to explain it? How does he phrase it in a way that won’t hurt Ten, or freak him out? Opening his yes, he glances at the young man.

“Remember… when you asked about my ability?”

Ten nods, tensing.

“I-When I touch people, I have visions. The way…” he swallows, looking down at his hands “The way people die is showed to me” he breaths “So when I touched you, I… I saw you die”

It gets easier, he notices. Speaking about what he can do. Maybe he should speak more. Maybe he should express himself so that he won’t feel like drowning anymore. There’s silence after this. Ten stares at him, face blank. Almost like a statue.

“How did I die?” he finally asks.

Kun stares back. It’s not often that people want to know how they’re going to leave this earth. But he figured that Ten wasn’t the type to get afraid by death. Blinking, he looks at his hands again.

“I-I don’t know” he whispers.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Didn’t you see it?”

Kun did see it. But he doesn’t remember it. This happens sometimes.

“When someone’s death is too brutal, too painful for me to bare, I don’t remember it”

That’s what happened with his father. With Hyolyn. 

“So, what you’re saying is that I am going to die in a lot of pain?”

Kun takes his time to answer that. He takes his time to look at Ten, watching as the determination in his eyes only gets bigger.

“Yes”

-

Kun didn’t think that the idea of his mother near him again would terrify him that much. He didn’t think he would see her again after the fiasco that took place a few weeks ago. He didn’t think she would help them, in the end.

Sitting in one of the practice room, he plays with Chenle. The little kid grew up so much in the past few months and Kun feels happy. Happy that for the first time in his life, he didn’t mess up. Chenle’s stomach suddenly crawls, making Kun smile.

“Wanna sneak into the kitchen and steal candies?” he asks, smirking.

Chenle immediately gets up on his feet and they walk through the corridors, hands in hands.

Kun doesn’t see it right away. The stretcher. He only notices the blond hair walking with it. Blinking, he stops. Those blond hair, he never thought of seeing them again before a long time.

“Taeil?” he calls out, unsure.

The blond hair turns around and Kun stops breathing. Taeil is back. And if Taeil is back, Mark is back too. There’s no expression on Taeil’s face. When their eyes meet, he stops walking for a second before coming his way. Letting go of Chenle’s hand, Kun walks towards Taeil too.

“What are you…” he starts, but Taeil stops him right away.

“I am sorry Kun, but we didn’t have any other choice”

Confused, Kun blinks. Taeil isn’t supposed to be back yet. He’s not supposed to be here, Mark isn’t supposed to be here, but if they are, if both of them are, it means something happened. Something that wasn’t part of the plan.

“What are you talking about?”

Pushing his hand on Kun’s chest, Taeil looks up at him. Guilt can almost be seen in his eyes, but it’s quick to disappear.

“It’s your mother Kun. She’s here”

-

Kun’s life has always been chaotic. He doesn’t really remember a time where he was at peace. Even when he was a little child. It was always pain, darkness, sadness, disillusion. He doesn’t hope for a lot from this world. He knows it’s trash, rotted, unfair. But it can be less trash, rotted and unfair when you know where to go. Kun never knew where to go until Hyolyn came into his life. He found what seemed the most like a purpose. He felt a little better. Until now.

Sitting on a bench, in a little park no one goes to anymore, Kun smokes. Looking at his feet, he doesn’t hear the woman arriving.

“I thought you quick smoking”

Looking up, he watches her sit down. Jessie hasn’t changed a bit. Her skin is as dark and smooth as he remembers, her lips as puffy, her voice as deep.

“I did, but I felt like a cigarette was the thing I needed” he answers, exhaling the smoke.

“Do you want something stronger?”

Her voice is daring, and he’s almost tempted, but he shakes his head. It won’t be a good thing for him to fall down in drugs again.

“I just want you right now”

The silence that follows is strong on meanings. He met Jessie when he was a lost 15 years old boy that didn’t know how to settle his mind and took drugs as a solution. She was here for him in his dizziness and helped him cop with all of his feelings. She was the only one he could talk to, at some point, and he’s forever thankful for that.

She takes his hand in hers, and they stay here for a long time, listening to the city living without them.

“My mother is back”

He says it like it’s nothing, but he wants to scream. He wants to scream because this is so unfair. Why does she have to come back when he finally had something good happening to him? Why is she always here to bring him down?

Jessie is the only person he talked to about his mother, other than Johnny and Hyolyn. She knows everything, or at least the most he could say. She doesn’t know he has an ability. She doesn’t know about the double life he’s living, and that’s perfect like that. He needs someone to feel normal with. He needs someone to pretend with. And Jessie is that for him. She’s his secret garden.

“What are you gonna do about it?”

He knows already. He knows what he has to do and it’s killing him but there’s no other choice. Because he saw it happen and there’s no other way around. And he’s not afraid to say it to her because he knows she understands him, she knows what it’s like to hate your parents and wanting them gone.

“She has to disappear for good”

_

Kun hates the colour red. With passion. It reminds him of blood. Of death. And it’s too much. He used to like it before. His father used to wear red shirts all the time. And little Kun thought that it suited him so, so well. Red became his colour. He would wear it too. As shoes, t-shirts, gloves. Then his dad died. And he banned the colour. No more red t-shirts, no more read shoes, no more red gloves around him.

Today, his mother is wearing red. It looks good on her. He hates that. He hates her. He wants her gone, out of here, away from him and what he cares about. He’s afraid again. Because of her. But it’s a different kind of fear. He doesn’t quite understand it, but he doesn’t hate it.

He’s not supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to know that she’s here, to begin with. He’s not supposed to come see her, talk to her, breath the same air as her. Hyolyn was very clear on that point.

“You don’t go near her Kun” she said, pointing a finger at him “You don’t go down there”

But he didn’t listen. He came anyway. He came to look at her, to see what she looked like after all those years. He wanted to remember. She didn’t change, really. Same long hair. Same soft eyes. Same round face. Same small body. It’s crazy how they look alike, he and her. They’re both petty, ready to do what it takes to success; they both like to be alone and snap back at people; they both enjoy classical music. They’re both monsters.

He wants to talk to her. He wants to tell her what he thinks and what he will do once the path is clear. He wants her to know what he’s capable of for himself. It’s weird, he thinks. Really weird that envy of seeing someone that made your life hell. Weird how you want to know what they look like, your tortures. Weird how you want to see how they ended up.

You ask yourself. What do they think? What do they dream of? How did their actions affect them? How did they go on with life after making you cry, beg, bleed, hate? Will they act like they didn’t break you? Will they act like what they did to you was normal?

Kun doesn’t feel like breathing anymore. He doesn’t feel like keeping on going. All he wants, when he looks at his mother, is to disappear, hide himself in the closet and never come back. Why didn’t she kill him? Why didn’t she get rid of him like she got rid of the other children? He knows she didn’t see him as her son, so why keeping him alive for so long? Why would she make him watch them die? He has so, so many questions for her. So many things he doesn’t understand even after nights and nights of research.

His head hurts again. His chest feels heavy like never before. He hates seeing her so calm. Why isn’t she crying? Why isn’t she shaking? Why isn’t she asking for forgiveness? _Fuck,_ he thinks. He’s going insane.

“I am sorry for bringing her here”

Kun blinks. He would like to say something but he doesn’t trust his voice right now. He feels that if he speaks, he’ll break. Taeil sighs behind him.

“Kun” he continues, almost careful “We need to talk”

-

Kun lied before, when he said he didn’t remember ever being happy.

When he was five, Kun’s parents took him to the beach. It’s was the first time in his life seeing the ocean. He was so happy, back then, watching at the waves coming back and forth to his feet, watching at the birds flying above him. He still remembers the salty smell, the sensation of the sand, the wind playing with his hair.

This memory of him playing with his dad, wet and itchy, is maybe the only happy memory he has from his past. It might even be the only memory left of himself outside laboratories.

He used to relive it, at night, when the silence kept him awake. He used to dream he was back there, playing with his dad. He would talk to him, at times. Talk about the kind of food he wished he had, the kind of clothes he wished he was wearing. He dreamed of school, too. He dreamed of learning new things, of playing with other kids, drawing and running.

Kun lied before, when he said he didn’t remember ever being happy. And when he looks at his mother, he wants to steal the happiness out of her.

-

It will rain soon. Clouds are making their way into the city sky, ready to cry. Kun loves rain as much as he hates it. He loves the sounds of it, the smell, but hates the wet, the little drops. The wind slaps him, make his hair fly. He’s cold.

The roof door opens. Kun doesn’t bother looking at who it is. He simply looks at the city. The lights, the buildings, the cars, the people. It’s so noisy. Noisy in the good way. It’s the noisy of life, of occupation, of determination.

Kun thinks about the people. Wonders. Imagines. What do they think? What do they eat? What and who do they love? Are they walking their dogs every day? Are they getting married?

One night, a couple of years ago, he went out. He wanted to walk in the city, look at it when the sun was gone. He wanted to see people live after the sun. Night and day aren’t that different. It’s always busy, noisy, full. People still laugh, still drink, still work, still look for answers. He stopped in front of a bar at some point. He looked at the people there, having fun. And this could have been him. This could have been is life. His boring, unsuccessful life. And he would have been happy, just like that.

“You wanted to see me?”

Blinking, Kun turns around. Jungwoo is standing a couple of feet away, hands in their jeans’ pockets. They never really talked before this. Never really looked at each other. But Kun knows Jungwoo is nice, he knows they will help him.

“Make me fly” Kun says.

There’s silence for a couple of seconds after that, Jungwoo looking at him in confusion. Kun knows this isn’t something people must ask often. He knows that this type of request isn’t always taken right. But Jungwoo just seem confused.

“What?” they ask, staring at Kun.

“Make me fly” he repeats, getting closer to them “I want you to fly with me. And then I want you to let me fall. Catch me at the very last moment”

In general, kids dream about flying. They dream to touch the clouds, feel them, sleep on them. They dream of flying until they learn that touching clouds is impossible, let alone flying. Kun never wanted to fly. Never thought about it. Until now. He doesn’t really want to fly, so to say. He just wants to fall to the ground.

Jungwoo’s hesitant at first, and Kun doesn’t blame them. Who isn’t hesitant about using their powers with strangers? Kun hopes they will say yes. He hopes they won’t have prejudice against him, especially after what has been happening lately.

He’s pleasantly surprised when, after some time, they nod. Realising a breath he didn’t know he was holding, Kun nods back. Slowly, Jungwoo circle their arms around Kun’s waist, getting him closer to them.

“Take deep breathes” they warn him before deploying their wings.

As they go up, Kun realises that it’s colder up there. The wind is meaner, dryer, stronger. But he doesn’t mind, really. He takes it all in, smirking a little. They fly for a couple of minutes before Jungwoo stop. There’s no sound around them, expect for the wind.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Jungwoo ask.

Kun nods. In normal circumstances, he would be afraid, like anyone would. But, strangely, he doesn’t feel anything. He says “yes, I am” and he can feel Jungwoo tensing a little.

“Take deeper breathes” they finally say “I’ll let you fall on the count of three”

And as numbers are counted, Kun closes his eyes. His heart is beating fast, very fast, but it’s excitement. Fear is something he doesn’t think he can feel anymore.

He hears “three”. And he falls.

He falls, falls, falls.

Into the ground. Into his own darkness. Into nothing.


	5. #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter gets explicit, pls read carefully 
> 
> warnings : blood, fight, murder

Kun goes back to his mom. He goes back to her because that the only thing he can do. He goes back to her because he wants her to see him. He wants her to see how her son grew up, how he got his life together, even if it’s just a big game of pretending. He wants her to realise he doesn’t need her in his life. He wants her to realise that she isn’t needed.

He thinks he’s ready. He thinks he’s capable of facing her and be strong. He can do it, right? He’s not a child anymore. He’s stronger. At least, he hopes he is.

It’s only when he stands in front of her that it hits him. Hard. It’s only when she says “hi Kunnie”, in that sweet, sweet voice of hers that he realises. He’s not ready. He can’t do it. What a fool he was.

He swallows dry saliva, sweat forming on his forehead. How stupid he was to think he was capable of anything.

“You grew up well” she continues “It’s good”

She doesn’t even seem bothered by the situation. She doesn’t even seem to feel anything. Or she doesn’t show it. She’s always been good at pretending. Just like him.

That’s something else they share.

Is he really her son, Kun wonders. Is she happy to see him? Disgusted? Confused? Angry? Kun doesn’t know anything about his mother. He doesn’t know anything and it bothers him as much as it pleases him. He doesn’t want to know anything about her, really. And yet, at the same time, he desperately _wants to_.

He wants to know what’s her favorite food. What’s her favorite colour. What’s her birth date. How she met his dad. What school she went to. Kun wants to know his mother like any normal child would. He wants to know what it would be like to have her as a mom, and not just as his doctor.

But what would he want to know? Why does it matter? He doesn’t need to know her, doesn’t need to know anything. He doesn’t want to learn more about the person who abused him for most of his life. He doesn’t want to learn how kind she can be. How affectionate, tender, soft, loving she could probably be.

He’s torn apart between the need to know and the need to hate. Torn apart because he wants her to be dead and wants her to be alive at the same time. He’s losing control. A control so fragile, so barely here to begin with.

Coming back to her was foolish. It was stupid and dangerous. But he needed to do this. He needed to show her. Needed to go forward and be his own person, for once.

“Don’t play nice” he finally articulates, fists too tight.

He saw her do that a billion of times. Playing sweet and nice, having people to love her and trust her when deep down, all she was was a monster. She looks at him with that little smile only her has the secret of. She looks at him like she would look at her opponent. She studies him, her eyes tracing his body, every centimetre by every centimetre. She tries to intimidate him. She tries to have him pliant and scared.

“Don’t act like you can tell me what to do” she says back, slowly, articulating every syllable.

Kun doesn’t like the sound of her voice anymore. He doesn’t like hearing her speak. He doesn’t like the way she sits, like she owns the place and isn’t, in the slightest way, a prisoner. But Kun knows. This time, the roles are reversed. He’s going to be her. And she’s going to be him.

“Don’t forget I saw how you’re supposed to die”

His voice is surprisingly steady, neutral. He didn’t flinch. Something happened, when she opened her mouth. Something happened inside of him and he doesn’t know if it’s good or bad. He’s not afraid of it, not repulsed, so maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a good thing because this time, he’s in control. He can make her taste pain, fear, more pain. He can make her _feel_ everything.

“You were the first person I saw the death of, you know?” he says, taking a step forward “I know how it supposed to happen”

The only thing his mother is afraid of, is death. She doesn’t want to die, to know how she will die, if she will feel pain, if it’s going to be quick or agonising. He sees it in her eyes. By the way her breath slows down, her jaw tenses, her eyes flinch.

Kun thinks she became like this because of him. Because of what he could do. Because he scared her so much, the moment he said he saw her die, that she decided to destroy him in order to not be destroyed.

“Is it going to be soon?” he whispers, looking at the table between them “Is it going to be painful?” he continues, smiling.

He wants to play with her a little. He wants to mess with her emotions like she messed with his. He places his hands on the table, leaning on it a little.

“Is it going to be me killing you?”

Her emotions switch at that. She smiles. Gains her composure back.

“You can’t kill me Kun” she laughs, licking her lips “You don’t have what it takes to do it”

Slowly, he looks at her wrists, tied up. Hopefully, it’s too tight. Hopefully, it’s hurting her. Slowly, he draws a smile on his face. Slowly, he walks to her, stopping a couple of centimetres away. When he tends his arm and slightly touches his mother’s cheek, she stops smiling. When his hand, slowly, so, so slowly, moves to her throat, she blinks.

She says “what are you doing“ but she loses her voice when he applies some pressure. Her skin is smooth, nice to touch. It wakes something in him. Something dark, and big, and dangerous. He applies more pressure, more, more, until she gags and opens her mouth, begging for air. There’s panic in her eyes. There’s panic because she must have seen something in Kun. She must have seen the seriousness of the situation, the way he doesn’t hesitate anymore, the way his smile didn’t leave his face, but rather changed into something else. Something sadistic.

“You killed every single person I ever cared about. You killed my friends, tortured them” he breathes, his face near hers “You killed my dad, the person you were supposed to love the most, and yet you think I won’t hurt you when I have the chance?”

He chokes her more. She can barely breath, barely keeps her eyes open. Kun likes that. He likes the way her face changes colors, the way her eyes get wet, the way veins are forming on her forehead. He likes, likes, likes strangling her. 

“I am going to make sure you feel what they felt” he murmurs, right in her ears.

She tries to speak, but the only sound that gets out of her mouth is a weak moan, a weak attempt at catching her breath. It’s only when he sees her closing her eyes, it’s only when he can see her torso stop moving that he lets her go. He takes a step back and admires his work. Admires how messed up he got her by just putting his hand around her throat.

Then, he slaps her, allowing her body to automatically take a deep breath in. She coughs, spit falling on her chin. Kun looks at her for a couple of second before he turns around and leaves the room.

As he walks to his room, his heart beats fast and hard. He feels euphoric. Liberated. Full of joy and contentment. He did it, he thinks. He did that to her. And if he can do that, he can go all the way.

-

Kun isn’t sorry for anything anymore.

He’s not sorry for himself. He’s not sorry for Johnny. He’s not sorry for anyone. Being sorry doesn’t bring you anything, it doesn’t make you go forward. It blocks you in the past. Blocks you from letting go. And Kun is letting go. He’s letting go because nothing has taste anymore. Nothing has colors and feelings.

As he’s looking at his mom, unconscious on the infirmary bed, tubes and needles surrounding her, he smiles a little.

He’s asking himself the same questions again. What is it like to have a mom? What is it like to be loved? What is it like to be normal?

All Kun wanted in life was simplicity. He wanted to go to school, to make friends, to have bad grades that would make his parents angry. He wanted Christmas parties and Halloween and birthdays. He had none of that. He had everything but normality.

He’s not sorry for wanting to kill his mother. He’s not sorry for dreaming of it, imagining it, feeling it in his bones. He’s not sorry that he will do it, for real, one day.

“Kun” he hears, in the back of his head. “Kun, you don’t have to see this”

But Kun doesn’t listen to Sicheng. He doesn’t look at him, doesn’t move a bit. He wants to see her weak, and chained, and her head invaded.

After trying to have Jisoo talk, after trying torture, threats, forgiveness, Johnny’s going to read her. He will look into her. Into her darkest secrets, into what she had done, to Kun, other children, other people, into all the information she has. And finally, after months of questions, they will have what they wanted.

One day, Kun thinks, when all of this will be over, when they won’t need her anymore, he’s going to kill her. He’s going to kill her and he wants her to know it was him. He wants her to look at him in the eyes and comprehend that yes, her own son is taking her life away. He wants her to see how much pleasure he’s going to have while doing it.

_She’s going to die_ , he whispers to himself. She’s going to disappear once and for all.

_

Kun loved his dad. His dad loved him. They were inseparable. Wherever his father went, Kun would follow. He would walk like him, speak like him, eat like him, laugh like him. Kun wanted to be his father. He wanted to be as tall, as handsome, as kind and loving. He wanted to make his father proud. Proud of having him as his son, proud to present him to his colleagues.

But they never got to do that. Never got the meet the colleagues, never got to travel to the other side of the world. His father never got to see him play at the school’s musical, never got to see him learn how to ride a bick, never got to meet his teachers. They never got the chance to do all of this because his father was a busy man, because he got killed when he tried to help his son.

Kun remembers. He remembers how his father woke him up in the middle of the night. How he told him to pack, to only take what was important. How he ran to the car, and drove them out of the city. How confused he was because it was night time and “where is mom?” and “why isn’t she here?” and “daddy, why are you crying?”.

Kun remembers how the car crashed. How the fire burned his flesh. How blood was escaping from his father’s mouth. How, as he was dragged away from the car by foreign arms, his father got shot in the head, for good measure. How his father got taken away from him.

He remembers how his father used to laugh, used to smile and used to take him in his arms. He remembers he didn’t cry that night. He didn’t even scream. He simply took in. Swallowed. Buried. Probably too confused to comprehend any of what was happening.

His father knew. He knew what kind of things his mother was capable of, what she would do to him. He tried to save him, to save them both, but she was smarter. More powerful. She got both of them. Took both of their lives.

“I love you Kun” cried his father. _“I am sorry”._ “You’re a good boy”. “Please always be a good boy”

_You did well Kun. Be strong._

-

It took a couple of days, but they got what they wanted.

Sitting on the ground, looking at his feet, Kun isn’t listening to any of the people talking. He’s lost in his thoughts. A mixt of his days in cages and Taeil’s words and Johnny’s and Hyolyn’s. He doesn’t actually need to listen to Johnny talk because he knows already. Where’s the new building. How many guards there are. How many rooms, stairs, staff. Because Taeil told him, one night, not long after he brought his mother. He talked to him about what he saw on the laboratories, showed him what he stole, asked him to help take them down.

In other words, Taeil asked him to go back.

But going back there would be like going back to death. But not the death he wanted. The other. The abomination. The forced one. He said no, of course. He said “I don’t want to”, “Why would you make me do this”, “What’s wrong with you”, “Please never make me go back there”.

Yet, in some sort of way, he’s back in a cage. He’s oppressed, ignored, hurt, unable to be make them see him. He feels like a wall. A cup in the back of the shield, hidden by other more important cups. He can’t breathe. He can’t see clear. He can’t hear because he’s under water again. He looks at the papers, the words writing on the walls but he can’t decipher them.

“We need to act up now” says Johnny “We have all the information we need, more than we ever dreamed of. We can’t let that opportunity go”

“I know” Hyolyn responds “But we can’t be careless either. We need a plan, a little more time”

She stops for a second, her eyes on Kun.

“We need to do this the right way”

There’s no right way in war. There’s no good or bad side, no good or bad action. It’s war. It’s ugly, and inhuman, blind to morality. They never went so close to NARSA since the night Kun got out. Never went so far up its roots. Kun can almost feel it. In the air, their eyes, the tension in their bodies. They’re reaching their goal, they’re almost there, almost done.

Kun finds it amusing and terrifying at the same time. The tension makes him shiver, sweat, brings tears in his eyes. Tears he thought he no longer had. But those tears, he knows, are not from the fear of failing. Those tears are tears he wishes he would never have to cry but will anyways because life is a bitch and fate is inevitable. Those tears are a warning. The last one.

Kun is crying now. Really crying. Sobbing like a child, curled up in himself, head about to explode.

They will fail, in the end. They will prepare for any possible scenarios, any possible complication. They will analyse every bit of the walls, grounds, doors, cameras. But the result will be the same.

Failure is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Kun wants to tell them that. He wants to warn them, explain to them why, if he knew how. But he knows they won’t listen to him. They never do. They didn’t listen for the guns, they won’t listen for the mission either because they’re obsessed with succeeding, obsessed with the idea of taking NARSA down. But NARSA can’t be destroyed. Not completely. It’s like cockroaches. You can never get read of them.

When Johnny takes him back to his room, deep, reassuring voice in his ears, Kun grabs his arm, hard. He looks at him for a moment, eyes moving, unfocused. And slowly, delicately, he kisses him. He kisses him with all the love he can find in him, all the desperation he’s been holding in for so long. He kisses him like he never kissed him before, like he’s never gonna see him again if he lets go. So he doesn’t let go. He kisses, and takes, and gives and holds on the only thing that makes him feel good.

And never mind if Johnny isn’t kissing him back, or if he is. Nevermind what other people will see, what they will think. Because this, this kiss, is the ultimate warning Kun can give. A warning he’s not understanding.

“I love you” he breathes, in between two kisses “You know that, right? That I love you?”

Johnny cups his face in his hands, his big, delicate hands. He looks at him with worried yet soft eyes.

“Yes” he says “I know. And I love you too”

-

Jessi is surprised to see him again. Kun can see it in her eyes. He surprised himself, too, when he woke up in the middle of the night and went out. It took him a certain amount of time before getting his phone out and calling her. He didn’t want to, at first. Thought he was only out for a couple of hours to just walk, think about things he didn’t want to think about, but had to anyways, or else it would eat him alive.

He walked until he couldn’t feel his feet anymore, until his legs couldn’t support him any longer. He sat on a bench, in a park, and called her. She didn’t pick up at first, so he thought “that’s good” and “that’s more than good”. He smiled a bit. But then, she called back. They talked for a minute before she told him “I’m on my way Kun. Don’t move”.

That’s why she’s here now, standing still in front of him. Nights aren’t as cold anymore, so she’s just wearing a jacket over her bra. She looks beautiful, he tells himself. Really beautiful. It makes him laughs, a bit. He’s standing in front of a goddess, one of the most beautiful women he’s ever met, and he looks like shit. He hasn’t been showering for a couples of days, hasn’t been eating, hasn’t been sleeping. He has bags under his eyes, his skin his oily and he shivers like hell.

What a terrible show he must be giving her. But Jessi doesn’t mind. She doesn’t mind because she knew him when he was at his worst, she loved him no matter how bad he looked or smelled. She supported him, even in his bad decisions. They’re the same, Kun thinks. Both orphans. Both abused kids. Both addicts. They understand each other.

He wants to take her in his harms. He wants her to take him in her arms. He gets up and walks to her, hands in his pockets, unsure if she will give him the recomfort he’s so desperate for. Without a word, she offers him the security of her arms and without thinking, without waiting, he goes under her care.

“Oh, Kun” she breathes “What did she do to you?”

Kun lets go. He gives up. He cries in her shoulder, holding her tight. They stay like this for a long time, not speaking, not moving, just feeling. And when Kun is done, when he doesn’t have any tears to cry, when he’s too tiring to cry, they walk a bit.

The sun is about to go up, about to cover the little stars that passed through the pollution to shine for the few people looking up at them. They get on the ground then, lying on their backs, waiting for the colours to change. Their shoulders are touching, their legs are interwind. Kun feels like fifteen again, being like this. It’s nice, he thinks. Feeling safe is nice.

Moving one of his hands under his head, he sighs. Blinks. Focuses his eyes on the last reminding star.

“I need pills”

He didn’t want to say it at first. He wanted to ask for cigarettes, but pills always worked better anyways. So he didn’t stop the words getting out of his mouth. He let them roll on his tongue. It feels weird to say it again. It feels weird to get back to where he fought so hard not to go back to. But he’s weak. So very weak. Nothing has taste anymore, nothing is appealing, nothing gives him envy. So he’s getting pills to try and feel something again.

Or maybe he’ll save them for something else. He doesn’t know yet.

“Can you get them for me?”

He turns to look at her. Her eyes are already on him, scanning him. He knows what she must be thinking. He knows the doubt in her eyes, knows she doesn’t want him to go down that road again. But she’s too nice to say anything.

“I just need the small ones. Nothing too strong” he says, making her understand he doesn’t want to lose himself. He just wants to feel.

“Sure” she finally whispers.

Watching her, watching as her eyes flicker, examining him, Kun smiles. And as they keep staring at each other, he leans in, gets closer to her, touches her nose with his, to, in the end, kiss her lips and lose himself in the sensation she gives out to him.

-

A couple of days later, Kun is watching Chenle during his training session. He didn’t notice, but the boy grew up well those past few months. He’s taller than most of the other kids, quicker and more adventurous. Many times, this got him in trouble, but he didn’t seem to care. Making trouble was his favorite game, as it seems. Chenle reminds him of himself, Kun thinks. Always looking out for fights, troubles and angry adults.

But Chenle is a better person than Kun is. Better than he will ever be. Because Chenle has this innocence, this pureness in his heart, this goodness. All those things Kun got ripped off of before he could even read properly.

They’ve been lacking encounters lately. Kun’s fault. He just simply didn’t want to corrupt him, make him see the monster he really was. He wanted, just one person, to see him as a human being. He wanted someone with no apprehension, no memories, no fear. He likes the person he was for Chenle. He likes that caring, nice, emotionally available Kun he fakes around the kid. He wishes he was like that, for real. But he was better at living lies.

Ten appears then, sitting next to him nonchalantly, his cup of coffee hanging between his long fingers. Kun doesn’t look at him. Focuses even more on Chenle. They stay in silence for a couple of minutes until Ten turns his gaze to Kun. After trying to ignore it as much as he could, Kun gives up. Sighing, he turns to Ten, his eyebrows raised.

“What do you want?” he asks, trying to keep his voice steady.

“How are you?” Ten asks back.

Taken aback, Kun blinks. He didn’t expect Ten, from all people, to ask him that. Yukhei, yes. Sicheng, in his substile ways, yes. But Ten? No. Because Ten isn’t good like the rest of them. He doesn’t care about the people he has no affection for, doesn’t ask them questions, doesn’t look at them, doesn’t even bother to a _cknowledge_ their existence. Ten doesn’t like Kun. Kun doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t even like himself so how could other people really like him?

That’s why he’s so surprised by his attitude. Did Yukhei ask him to talk to him? Did Hyolyn put him into befriending him so they could have a closer eye on him? This option wouldn’t surprise him. She did it before. But does it really matter, anymore? Does he really have the strength to fight back? Does he even have the will to?

_How are you_. He hates this question. It’s stupid. Not even sincere. People don’t actually care about your answer when they ask it. You can’t even be honest. So Kun simply snorts, rolling his eyes.

“I’m fine, thanks for the concern”

Looking at Chenle again, he tries to forget about his thoughts. He tries to forget Ten, Johnny, NARSA, his heavy chest.

“He’s a good kid, Chenle” Ten says, after a while.

Kun stops breathing. Unconsciously, he tightens his wrist. Straightens his back. He looks like a mother ready to jump on anything willing to hurt her offspring.

“A very good kid. Smiles a lot, very polite, even though he likes to create troubles for times to times” Ten laughs, drinking some of his coffee “But what 8 years old wouldn’t do so?”

“What are you trying to say Ten?”

Kun’s voice is low, almost shaking. He turns his face to Ten, eyes narrowed, jaw tensed. He doesn’t understand what Ten is talking about, doesn’t like the affection he can hear in his voice. Ten doesn’t even know Chenle. Kun never saw them together, never heard Chenle talking about him, in any ways. So what would Ten know?

There’s a voice in the back of his mind, reminding him that he doesn’t see everything Chenle is doing. There’s a voice in the back of his mind, that’s reminding him that Chenle is free to talk to whoever, play with whoever, grow up like whatever. Kun doesn’t have full control over him, and he must keep that in mind. He tends to forget it sometimes.

“Spill it out”

Ten is looking at him, almost like he’s bored, but there’s something in his eyes. Something Kun can’t decipher. Something almost soft, almost nice. He’s looking at him like he cares what Kun thinks, what he feels, what he endures. And that doesn’t make any sense.

Ten is looking at him, almost smiling now. Almost gentle in his way of speaking when he says “You did a good job”.

-

How Kun got himself in this situation, he couldn’t really tell. How he got out of the agency covered in blood, he couldn’t really tell. How he got to Jessi without being arrested, he couldn’t really tell. All he knew was that, after days of waiting, listening, sneaking around, he did something. Something bad. Something so very bad.

He didn’t mean to do it this way. He didn’t mean for things to turn the way they did. But what’s done is done. You can’t go back in time to change things. You can only live with your actions and their consequences.

Kun killed.

He killed and ran away because running away is the only thing he’s good at. He killed, but this time, he did it with a clear mind. This time, he didn’t need any trigger, any anger. He just needed to open his eyes and simply do it.

So he did.

When Hyolyn made it clear that they had absolutely all they needed, that his mother was no longer useful for gathering information, Kun took his decision. He couldn’t sleep for days, even with the pills Jessi had gotten him. He was so euphoric he couldn’t do anything other than walk around his room, thinking, and thinking, and thinking again. He didn’t know how to act. Didn’t know if he had what was needed to do it.

Maybe is mother was right. Maybe he was just a stupid, utopic, weak boy desperate to be loved. Maybe she was right when she said he wouldn’t be able to do anything to her. But he still wanted to be sure. Still wanted to see it himself. He was tired of people speaking over him. Tired of people speaking for him. He was his own person, damn it, he had the right to act on himself, for himself.

So he went back to his mother. Of course he went back to her.

He went back to her because that the only thing he can do. He went back to her because he wanted her to see him. He wanted her to see how her son grew up, how he got his life together, even if it was just a big game of pretending. He wanted her to realise he didn’t need her in his life. He wanted her to realise that she wasn’t needed in this world anymore.

He thought he was ready. He thought he was capable of facing her and be strong. He could do it, right? He wasn’t a child anymore. He was stronger. At least, he hoped he was.

His mother was asleep when he entered her room. She had her back turned to him, breathing deeply. Kun stayed a long time there, at the door, watching her, watching how small she looked. He didn’t prepare anything, didn’t bring anything. He thought his hands would be enough to do the job, but maybe he should have thought of bringing something, just in case.

His heart was beating absurdly fast, but his body was surprisingly steady. He wasn’t really in control of himself at that moment. The only things he could think of was all the hurt she inflicted him, all the hurt she inflicted to other people. Other children. All he could think of was how she haunted him, even in the safest places. How she took away everything that was good in him.

He took a step forward, then another, and another. He walked to her bed, breathing deeply, eyes focused on her. All he had to do was turn her over, place his hands on her throat and squeeze. It was simple, easy, straight forward. So he did it. He turned her over, hands ready to chock, but his body froze. His eyes opened wildly.

His mother wasn’t asleep. She was looking right at him, a little smile on her face, eyes pure evil. She was scary, Kun thought. Scary like those old witches in children’s books.

“Hi Kunnie” she said, before slamming her hand to his face. There was a burning sensation on his cheek, and when he touched it and looked at his fingers, he saw blood. His blood. Looking up at his mother, quick to be on her feet, he saw the scalpel in her hands. This, he thought, wasn’t part of the plan. This, he thought, wasn’t what he wanted.

He would be dead if he didn’t have the reflex to step back before she could move her arm. He would be dead because this wasn’t a game anymore. It wasn’t a fantasy. It was real and raw and brutal and Kun had to fight for his life now. This was him or her. Life or death.

His mother was a good fighter. She was quick, agile, flexible. But Kun didn’t have anything to lose, and everything to gain. So he fought back. He fought back the mother he never had, the mother that didn’t want him, didn’t see him as human. He fought the mother that wanted him dead.

He was in a weak position here, unarmed. But this didn’t stop him. If someone saw them that night, fighting, reaching victory, it would have been easy to describe them. They were like dancers, jumping around, collapsing, touching, falling. It was brutal, a game of survival. And it wouldn’t stop until one of them would drop dead.

Maybe it was luck, maybe it was his desperation, maybe it was because he was _good,_ better than her. Maybe it was because she didn’t think her son was worth a real fight. Maybe because things were too quick. No one knows, no one will ever know. But in the end, Kun got her scalpel. He got her scalpel after making the both of them fall on the ground, the scalpel fallen somewhere next to his head. His mother was on top of him, hands chocking him with all the strength she could put.

Kun tried to escape her, but he was tired, his head hurting, lungs beginning to burn. There was a smile on his mother’s face, the kind of smile that was sending a message, a “I told you so” kind of message. And Kun lost it. For good. Moving his arm around, he searched for the scalpel he knew wasn’t far away and when his fingers wrapped themselves around it, he locked eyes with his mother. The smile still here.

He didn’t think twice before acting.

With a groan, coming from the deep seed of his chest, he slammed her neck. Cut it open. Had the blood explode to his face and chest and hands. He cut her throat and watched her has she was dying, her eyes losing focus, her chest convulsing, searching for air. And as she was collapsing on the ground, suffocating in her own blood, Kun jabbed the scalpel in her heart. Jabbed it in her stomach, jabbed it all over her body. He couldn’t stop, simply couldn’t stop stabbing her, giving her as much pain as he could.

And after a while, barely breathing, frantic, hands shaking, head on the verse of exploding, Kun got on the ground. His eyes were focused on the ceiling, not seeing anything. His mother’s blood was wetting his hair, his cloths, his skin. But he didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t know how long he stayed there, silent, her dead body a couple of centimetres away.

It’s only when he looked at her that it hit him. It hit him that this wasn’t how things were supposed to happen. This wasn’t what he saw on his vision, when he touched her.

He didn’t mean to do it this way. He didn’t mean for things to turn the way they did. But what’s done is done. You can’t go back in time to change things. You can only live with your actions and their consequences.

How Kun got away, he couldn’t tell. How he had the strength to get up and leave, he couldn’t tell. All he knows is that he’s now in the kitchen of his old apartment, body shaking, tears running down his cheeks, into his open mouth, his neck, his chest. He smells sweat, blood and fear.

As the phone rings, Kun isn’t sure if he will be able to speak at all. How could he? After what he’s done? But he has too. He has to do something, get the hell out this skin, this prison, this fucking hell.

“Kun?”

Jessi’s voice sounds like music to his ears. There’re muffled noises in the back, but he can hear her perfectly well. Swallowing hard, he tries to speak but all that gets out of his mouth is a weak moan. How is he supposed to ask for help? How is he supposed to explain what he did? How is he supposed to look at himself in the mirror?

“Kun, are you alright?”

Kun tries to speak, he really does. But he can’t, not right now, probably not ever again.

“OK, Kun, listen. You have to breath ok?” Jessi says “You gotta breath for me”

So Kun tries harder. He takes deep breathes, closes his eyes, focuses on Jessi’s voice trough the phone, telling him sweet words. It takes some times, but they get there at the end. When he feels ready enough, when he feels like his voice won’t betray him half way through, he starts speaking.

“I-I fucked up” he says, breathless “I fucked up so bad”

“Where are you right now?” she asks, voice sweet, reassuring “Tell me where you are so I can come pick you up”

He tells her. He gives her his address and waits for her to come collect him, take care of him. As he’s falling on the ground, head spinning, he wants to vomit. He wants to vomit and scratch out his eyes and cut his own hands, get rid of all this blood drying in his hair and cloths. He wants to burn because _oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god_.

He killed his mother, his torturer, the monster under his bed.

And he’s running away. 

Again.

_

Kun likes when people read stories. He likes to listen to the voices, fall into the vibrations, the words, the emotions. He likes to close his eyes and create imagines based on what the storyteller is telling.

Kun likes to be cared for, he realizes. Likes to be babied.

When he was younger, his father used to read him bedtime stories. He used to play off all of the characters, good and bad. They would laugh a lot, Kun coming to play instead of trying to sleep. But that’s the playing part that helped him sleep in the end, so his father let him. He would kiss him on his forehead before living the room, door half closed, the corridor’s light reassuring.

He also likes vanilla and chocolate ice-cream mixed together. He likes to draw and run around. But his favorite thing ever, the only thing that helped him calm down and feel safe, no matter the circumstances, was swimming. The feeling of water around his skin, around his ears, his hair playing around his head, had always made him feel at home.

Kun has been swimming for the last two weeks. He’s been swimming all nights and sleep all days, eating two meals, sometimes three. He’s been swimming because he wanted to think, to remember, to put things in their right place. He wanted to make peace with his memories, wanted to make peace with what happened to him and what he’s done, to himself and others.

_Do you want to live?_ he asked himself on the first night he went swimming at Jessi’s work place. _Do you want to live?_

Kun thought about this a lot, hard. His first answer was “no” but then, a tiny, little “yes” echoed in the back of his head.

He believes that his envy of death was implanted in him when his mother first started testing on him. He believes the amount of abuse and harsh words thrown at him were the reasons he always thought he deserved nothing more than death. He believes that he hadn’t been given a chance to live properly, like a normal human being, and that’s why he so desperately wanted to be gone. But he’s also been lying to himself this whole time.

He was given a chance to live when Hyolyn came to him. He was given a chance at life when Johnny helped him through his nightmares and panic attacks and lost minds. People were here for him, supporting him, loving him, and he was too blind to see it. So self-centred he didn’t even see what was right in front of his nose.

Now that he thinks about it, Kun feels bad. Now that he thinks about it, he wants to say thank you. Thank you to Hyolyn, Johnny, Irene, Hyuna, Jeno, Chenle. Even Taeyong. He wants to thank them for their presence, for their hard work and their sincere will to make him feel safe, more at home, happy. He feels like a pure piece of shit for being so mean to them, so absolutely shitty.

But meanness was what kept him alive all this time. Meanness was what helped him survive and he simply didn’t know how to get read of it, how to live without it, without protective walls all around him. Love was never something he’d learn. Love was never something he’d experience. He thought he did, with Johnny, at some point, but he was just projecting his desperation and idealisation of love.

Love, Kun thinks, is something he would really like to know. Love, he thinks, is something he wants to live before dying. He wants to feel the same love Irene and Hyuna live when they’re together, holding hands and glancing at each other when they think no one sees them. He would like to receive gifts and give some in return. He would like to go on dates and hold hands and give butterfly kisses. He would like to learn about someone, know everything there is to know about them, every tiny detail on their face, their hands, neck, shoulders. He would like to be loved for who he is, not who he was, for what he does, not what he’s done.

Is it too much to ask? Is it really that hard to find? Kun doesn’t think it is, at all. It’s just him. Who he is, that makes love so difficult. He wants to love and be loved, but he doesn’t know how. This is going to be a long and hard process, he tells himself, at the end of the two weeks. It’s going to be long, hard, sometimes painful, but he wants to give it a try.

He wants to give life a try and judge for himself.

-

When Jessi first got him, the night he killed his mother, she didn’t say anything. She gasped though, gasped at all the blood on him, his shivering body, his lost eyes. She took him to the bathroom (that was thankfully still working) and cleaned him up. He couldn’t feel the hotness of the water, nor her hands on his back and hair. He was too far gone. The rest of the night is a blur, always will be probably, and Kun is thankful for that. He doesn’t want to remember any of it.

The first week, they didn’t talk much. Jessi just kept on taking care of him, making him -forcing him- to eat, hugging him until he would fall asleep, delicately playing with his long hair, singing old lullabies while he cried. Kun felt like he was five again and he never felt so peaceful. He never liked silence and someone’s presence so much.

Kun isn’t better though. He’s still deep in his death thoughts, still deep in his defences, his social awkwardness, but now, he’s willing to give it another try. He’s willing to not give up yet.

“You made her disappear, didn’t you?” was the first thing Jessi asked him about his mother. He didn’t go into the details, Jessi not wanting to know. But he told her, didn’t hide anything. For the first time since his discussion with Sicheng, a few months ago, he felt like he could really talk. Really express how he was feeling.

So he told her. He told her how much he hated himself but also how much he’s relieved to know she’s dead and no longer capable of hurting him. He felt mixed emotions about all of this, he felt awful and grateful and like a monster and a super hero at the same time. What he did was terrible, not excusable, but he did the world a favour, he believes. Even if there’s always going to be people like his mother around, at least one of them was no longer here to spread hate. 

That’s what he tells himself again today, when he gets out of Jessi’s apartment, hand in his jacket’s pockets. Summer is almost here now, but the fear of touching people is still here, so he has to protect himself. Closing the door behind him, he doesn’t see the person standing right before him. It’s only when he’s a few steps gone that his body freezes. Slowly, not wanting to rush things and give himself hope, he turns around.

Sicheng is standing there, hands in the front pocket of his jeans, looking at him.

Kun can’t believe it. Sicheng is here. Sicheng found him. Mouth open, eyes repeatedly blinking, Kun doesn’t know how to act, how to present himself, how to breath properly. So all he does is just stand there, like an idiot, waiting for something to happen. He wants Sicheng to yell at him. He wants him to punch him, hurt him, tell him how much of an imbecile he is, for running away, for killing his mother, for being who he is.

But Sicheng does none of that. Instead, he starts walking to him, slowly, like he was facing a wild animal. And when they’re close enough, when Kun can see himself in the other’s pupils, Sicheng takes him in his harms. Hugs him. Shocked, not expecting this, Kun doesn’t move at first. His entire body tingles, there’s a warm, weird feeling in his chest, and for some reasons, there are tears in his eyes.

“I was so scared” Sicheng says, voice low “I thought I would never see you again”

Kun’s tears are falling on his cheeks and he makes a throaty noise, hugging Sicheng back.

“I am sorry” he says, breathless “I am so, so, so sorry”

There’s so much he wants to say. So much he wants Sicheng to understand, to know, to decipher. But right now, he can’t say more than “I am sorry” and “I missed you too” and “please forgive me”. He doesn’t want Sicheng to hate him. He doesn’t want Sicheng to be disgusted by him. Be mad, he can handle, but the rest, he can’t.

It’s simply now that Kun realises how much he missed Sicheng. How much he got used to his silent presence, his reassuring eyes on him, his deep voice speaking just at the right moment. It’s only now that he realises how attached he got to him, in such a short amount of time. At first, he thought this was only a physical attraction, only a resonance of their past. But it was deeper. It’s always been deeper.

Maybe Sicheng will be able to teach him, Kun tells himself. Maybe Sicheng, and Yukhei, if he doesn’t hate him yet, will help him understand how to handle love and give it reasonably. Maybe, if he says sorry enough times, they will be willing to give him a second chance and allow him to discover this whole part of life he’s been missing on.

“Let’s go home” Sicheng says, after some times “Let’s go home Kun”

Kun’s heart hitches at the words. Home. Let’s go home.

Yes, he thinks. Yes, he wants to go home, wherever it is. Because it’s not the place that’s important, it’s the people in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked the story so far !!  
> i am currently working on the second part, and wayv's new concept is giving me a lot of inspiration so hopeffuly it will help on making this story better   
> you can hit me up on twitter @__babybird_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !  
> you can it me up on twitter @__babybird_  
> kisses


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